Footlocker, please remove me from your blacklist

I know that everyone has felt that late October costume crunch time. All the cool costumes have been bought out and us last-minuters are left to scramble.I found myself at the shopping mall, desperately looking for something to accommodate my rail-thin body type. I thought of the perfect costume: a black guy! I can walk around the party and make my friends laugh with Kevin Hart jokes all night long! (I have a black friend, it’s fine).

So I went to my local Footlocker, grabbed a few cans of shoe polish and went to town. I found Kiwi brand gave me the darkest black. But before I had the chance to outline my mouth, I was sternly asked to leave over and over again. Furthermore, I was banned from every Footlocker in the world.

I’m writing this letter in an effort to be removed from the Footlocker blacklist as I am clearly the victim here. Blackface hasn’t really been insensitive for like 70 years; I think it’s due for a comeback. Footlocker please, I need to buy a new pair of New Balances.