If you’ve never felt the joy of entering a car after having resigned your festering, rain-soaked heart to to a life of bus-waiting cynicism, just imagine your super hot barista correctly writing your non-Anglo name.
Wanna know how many thousands of miles was put on that thing going between Vancouver and Seattle and Portland and Seattle and Portland and Seattle and Portland and Seattle and Vancouver again? Too bad, I don’t know either.
In fact, cold-footedness is where the term “to get cold feet” originates from. In the Ottoman Empire, it was common that soon-to-be-wedded grooms would bolt in the night upon a discovery that their betrothed’s feet were freezing.
But yes, dinner club will absolutely motivate friends to get off their gross behinds and see each other. This is because humans are no different from Pavlovian dogs, except we have opposable thumbs. Also, less tapeworms.
Automatic sinks being everywhere is pretty much how I imagine the Soviets’ last-ditch attempts to keep themselves stable — real top-level malarkey that looks all fancy in an attempt to mask how everything is falling apart and awful.
And besides, technically I’ve been getting into the spirit since October by sending my relatives potential gift ideas with passive aggressive messages along the lines of “hey, look at this neat clothing item/accessory/four-litre bottle of Jameson!
When I started writing this installment of Only Partially Relevant, I intended to do the usual — some combination of jokes n’ such about who-knows-what and who-cares-why. And then last Tuesday happened.
All pretty crappy ideas, right? You might not think so now, but like that Celtic armband tattoo 17-year-old you thought “really expresses universal human spirituality,” you’ll probably realize how dumb that is a few years down the line.
I can say with certainty that somewhere that night were many angsty teens whose acoustic variations of the same song were all bested by Totally Not The UBC Men’s Rugby Team, simply because they were really, really loud. And that’s all it takes.
As such — and as a connoisseur in really really really wanting, but not being able to, cuddle your dog because they are a billion miles away — I’ve written up a handy dandy “How to,” complete with everything you need to cope.
Without all the school things I don’t want to be doing — such as writing essays or overhearing Janette from Kamloops bitch about her nailbeds during lecture — this pile of words would never come to life.
Its versatility has been used as evidence of divine presence. “I’ll Make Love to You” is widely accepted to be about a wheel of chevre. Cheese is patient, cheese is kind. Cheese does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
When some really cool friends (I’m talking had-phones-since-sixth-grade cool) asked me about it, I told them I wanted one, but my mom is “meh." This was a lie, but she'd get her revenge years later when she told me, “That outfit looks great on you."
As far as I’m concerned, the Western Hemisphere should create our own language just to stick it to the Old World. I say this not only on behalf of Americans in Canada, but Canadians in America, Brazilians in Mexico, Chileans in Québec and so on.
Some kids enter university having spent their high school days on top of the world. You know these people – they were essentially the basis for Jack and Diane, or would have been had that song not preceded all of our births by at least 10 years.
