Back in the good old days (2016), you could tell if someone was gay based on their appearance. But now, Queerness is all ambiguous and nonchalant. In the grand scheme of things, that is pretty good for the community — “growth” and whatnot — but it sure makes trying to hit on hot girls on campus a lot harder. Are you gay or do you just really love Clairo? Is your carabiner a functional thing, or what? The dating scene can be brutal, so here’s my foolproof guide on how to tell if someone is gay nowadays.
Stickers, stickers, stickers
Water bottle and laptop stickers are one of the most telltale signs of Queerness. Please note that not all laptop stickers are built equally. Sometimes, you’ll come across easy-to-spot Pride stickers. These come in all shapes and sizes. I personally have a frog in the bisexual colours, saying “my stomach hurts.”
Some stickers, however, may be more subtle. For instance, let’s consider the following: a toad in a cowboy hat riding a Minecraft skeleton. This can indicate bruh luh bruh, or it may just be a symptom of an unhealthy Minecraft YouTube phase that took place in 2020. And sure, a Pokémon laptop decal shouldn’t instantly sound your homosexual alarm, but a sticker of that one guy from Team Rocket or my spiky-haired girl Misty? That’s the gay agenda being pushed.
Speed, I am speed
Next, ask yourself: how fast do they walk to class? Is your prospective crush walking at a reasonable place or are they rampaging down Main Mall like the ghosts of Chappell Roan past, present and future are chasing them down? One thing to consider here is how far apart their classes are. If they’re moving from Buchanan A to B at the speed of light, perhaps they might also be into cuffing their jeans and knowing way too much boygenius lore (Is that still a thing or am I getting old?). However, if they need to hustle all the way from Orchard Commons to the Chan Centre, they may just be trying to cram a 20-minute walk into 10. A good way to test this is to sit inconspicuously on the benches near IKB (do your best to take in minimal second-hand smoke) and try to get a sense of the direction they’re walking in. A less creepy way to do this is to approach your crush and ask for their schedule, but talking to people is scary, so choose your own adventure, I guess.
(ATTN straight people. For your reference, the heterosexual equivalent to the boygenius lore would be the Paul Mescal, Gracie Abrams and Daisy Edgar-Jones drama.)
Iced or nothing!
Lastly, we come to number three: the ultimate telltale sign of Queerness on campus. Are they drinking an iced coffee (or iced drink of choice) in the winter? If the answer is yes, then you already know what I’m going to say. Pack it up and go celebrate Pride. However, like every rule, there are exceptions: if their drink of choice is hot in the winter, either they have really poor circulation or they’re as straight as the curve these profs keep grading on. If iced or hot isn’t a clear indicator, you can also consider their beverage of choice. Classic Queer is an iced oat latte. Evil bisexuals will tend to go for a strawberry oat matcha. Lesbians studying criminology can’t resist a dirty chai (two shots if they’re feeling freaky). All of these drinks can be found at your favourite niche local underground cafe, Blue Chip (not sponsored)!
Please remember at the end of the day nothing defines you or your sexuality other than yourself. Own what you love and never be ashamed to be yourself. No matter how you dress, how much Clairo you listen to, how frequently your tummy aches or even if you played Beyblades as a kid, no one can define you other than you.
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