The Shan't Centre recently opened their doors to the magical sounds of the opera, and from the moment I sat in one of those red, velvety chairs, sinking into the sounds of the theatre, I knew I would be back every night.
True prophets of the arts know grand theatres are for the upper class. After all, only well-educated and mature oil fortune heirs have what it takes to enjoy the cultured experience of sitting in a theatre chair. Others would simply not be endowed with the capacity to appreciate it as much — a travesty of the highest order. This leaves those cursed with a juvenile nature in a precarious position as they are not part of this exclusive club, but feel a natural compulsion to join. Enter: the Shan't Centre chair. Like a package of “instant ramen,” it serves as a good starter for those trying to get their butts in a more opulent environment.
Do not be turned off by the chair’s austere and staid appearance of Victorian sophistication! The instruments at play here are surprisingly capricious and forgiving.
Although the demeanour one may interpret is of a rigid and old-fashioned nature, the low and seductive energy emanates a lavish feel that would stun Apollo. What’s there to be intimidated by? It is nothing innovative or ornate, by any means, but welcoming for the masses — an accepting space that does not discriminate, no matter who you are.
When selecting une chaise exquise, one must consider the full framework presented before them — the smooth contours that invite you in, and the rigid corners that throw you off. Throughout the entire encounter, it must keep you, holding your body and all the emotions therein. It must not be too demanding, giving you space to process the might of its envelopment. The union between the two of you must be of the divine and nothing less. My go-to is seat G15.
I give the Shan't Centre’s performance of “medium red folding chair w/ armrests” a best-in-class 4.5 stars. Although it is not literally the best seat in the cosmos, the Shan't Centre provides a great opportunity for students to progress in this field and understand a sliver of what a better station in life may bring — don’t get too excited. It is a step into a world of seated splendour, and a recommendation I can confidently get behind (on top of).
Also the opera was okay I guess.
This is part of The Ubyssey's 2023 spoof issue, explain!. To read more, click here.