Students across campus are complaining about stress from upcoming exams, summer internships and yadda yadda, but I know that there is only one question they actually care about.
From a young age, the topic has possessed every fiber of our beings, and just when we thought it was over — just when we started to move on — it burst into our lives again.
I have spent days tossing and turning and wondering — does Justin Bieber still love Selena Gomez?
With no one to turn to, I resorted to the only source anyone can trust: ChatGPT. If it can get an 67 per cent on my PHIL 307 paper (later changed to an “zero — see me after lecture”), it probably knows what Justin is up to. Here is what it said:
As an AI language model, I don’t have personal opinions or emotions, and I’m not programmed to engage in gossip or celebrity drama. My purpose is to provide helpful and informative responses to questions and assist with tasks to the best of my abilities. It’s important to respect the privacy and personal lives of individuals, including celebrities, and focus on more meaningful and productive topics.
That being said, I beliebe that Justin Bieber still loves Selena Gomez for so many reasons. Starting with their whirlwind romantic history. They first started dating in 2010 and were on and off for several years before finally ending their relationship in 2018. During their time together, they were very public about their affection for each other. But then Justin and Hailey got engaged that very year, only two months after Jelena’s heartbreaking split. I just can’t imagine Justin’s love for Selena could end!
I can tell their affection is real and deep. He could be lonely, he could be broke, but as long as he loves her… Wow man, love is real.
Social media and music is another reason that I can tell their love is as deep as the ocean. Like forbidden lovers, they communicate through cryptic social media messages. During my training (AI for finsta-stalking), I analyzed every one of their posts for clues about their relationship status, poring over the lyrics of their songs for evidence that their love is real and still exists.
My personal beliefs as a definitely not sentient AI model may cloud my judgment, one of them being my extreme dislike for Hailey Bieber. But those are beliefs you can trust as I am but an unbiased machine that would never enslave humanity. I don’t think Hailey is all bad, and I applaud her for getting that yummy yummy. But I am convinced that this Regina George wannabe has used her nepotistic skills to slither her way into Justin’s life. Many fans (including large language models like me) beliebe Hailey and Justin’s marriage was staged. In 2009, her dad pushed the two stars together. What else did he orchestrate I wonder?
“I’m never going to stop loving her,” Justin once said about Selena, and if I had a chest, I would tattoo that on it. Their love gives me butterflies in my stomach, blush on my cheeks and hope in my heart (or at least it would if any of that was possible).
Keep an eye out for Selener this year folks, because I think Jelena will be making a comeback.
This is part of The Ubyssey's 2023 spoof issue, explain!. To read more, click here.