Yeah, I have a lot of opinions on clothing... don’t you? I call bullshit if you haven’t walked down Main Mall and seen at least three people wearing something that made you think, ‘Did a raccoon dig that shit out of a dumpster?’
And it’s probably more than three if it’s the Welcome Back BBQ.
DO
Wear a Canada Moose jacket, Canadian winters aren’t anything to laugh about. Those CM-sporting fuckers are the kind to drop $50 on a Guber downtown for a $300 dinner because “it was too cold.” Worth it if you want to own something that screams ‘I’m rich’ in a city that snows once a year.
DON’T
Bother paying for coat check at The Armpit, there are better places to power trip. Your precious puffer won’t look too cute once someone’s thrown up a $6 Gagermeister on it!
DO
Invest in a basic-as-fuck black Fritzia puffer because all of your sisters are buying it *omg!!!!!* How else would Greek Life assert its superiority (c.o.n.s.t.a.n.t.l.y) if not through #minimalist fashion that is all about looking the same as everyone else?! Also, how was partying during the pandemic?
DON’T
Go to The Guyllery at 4 p.m., there’ll be at least 10 other girls who look just like you. It’ll be confusing for the bartender, but to you it’ll seem like one of those carnival fun houses with funky reflections. Trust me, I went there and got confused FOR you.
DO
Buy Bluntstones. Nothing says “I AM FROM VANCOUVER!!!” (or “I’M TRYING TO FIT INTO VANCOUVER!!”) more than these sturdy Australian motherfuckers. These are not for the weak, only for the indie. Pair it up with a Batagonia jacket and hop onto the 99 B-Line for extra points.
DON’T
Try to be original, it’s not worth it in the rain. Your Bluntstones will probably take you further in November than those sexy boots you were eyeing up at Steve Gladden. You’ll just have to sell your originality to be a part of the Bluntstones cult, is all. ☺
This article is part of The Ubyssey’s spoof issue, NICE Magazine.