How to lean into your dark feminine energy. Don’t chase, attract. Five ways to get a high-value man obsessed with you. Easy pilates workouts to get rid of your hip dips. If he doesn’t text you back in 5 minutes it means that he is in a 24-hour fuckfest with 7 other girls and you need to cheat on him with his da-
How did we get here?
While this type of dating “advice” might seem like standard TikTok clickbait, its focus on manipulation via self-improvement reveals something about the perils of modern romance. Our culture of casual-no-labels-haha-lol hookups often overlays a sense of anxiety and disposability, and I’ve noticed more and more women rejecting it.
Why? Gone are the days of roses and opening car doors, replaced by the days of only hanging out when it’s dark outside and maybe an Uber Eats order if you’re lucky. Say goodbye to meet-cutes and hello to recycled Hinge prompts (we get it, you like tequila... and are competitive about everything... and think that pineapple on pizza is good).
If you’re looking for labels, you’re better off making sure that the condoms in your nightstand are labelled “LUBRICATED” and “NOT EXPIRED” than asking “What are we?” to that guy from Bumble you’ve been seeing for four months.
So, it makes sense for women to try to get ahead of hookup culture by leaning into being performatively unbothered. If you take four hours to respond, then I will take four days. If you don’t ask me out for a week, that’s chill, I’ll just post some other guy’s arm on my story and look hot as fuck doing it.
Unfortunately, dating often seems to cascade into competitions of who cares less, completely losing track of how you got there in the first place.
I am not endorsing a return to the old-timey notions of dating nor completely denouncing casual hookups, which can be empowering and really fun. What I am saying is that it is possible that casual relationships have gotten too casual and that the guards we put up to protect ourselves may be getting in the way of getting what we actually want.
Consistently having experiences whereyou don’t feel valued and get wrapped up in caring more about what the other person is thinking over your own desires can lead to a sort of burnout from pursuing romance or sex in any form. Why keep repeating a cycle of intense situationships with emotionally-unavailable men when you can just disengage entirely?
For a while, you embrace looking in the mirror and realizing you’re becoming the no-nonsense businesswoman at the start of every 2000s romcom. You know, the one that’s too focused on getting that dream promotion and doesn’t bother with men. The only difference is that you don’t end up getting randomly swept off your feet and your entire worldview changed by Tom Hanks... you end up alone, with only a vibrator to your name.
A period of hookup-burnout voluntary celibacy can be restorative. But, it is not a long-term solution to the damaging culture of avoidant casual sex that got you there in the first place.
So, after you delete Tinder/Hinge/the number saved in your phone only as “Hot Kevin (Moustache??),” how can you rebuild?
Spend that time after your latest failed entanglement actually figuring out what you want. No, not what the Amy-Dunne-“cool-girl” version of you wants, but actually what you want. Ask yourself things like “What degree of commitment and exclusivity am I looking for?,” “What level of communication do I need in order to feel comfortable?” and “What does my ideal sex life look like and how can I get closer to making that happen for myself?”
When you make your triumphant return to the dating scene, express those gosh darn boundaries clearly and sooner rather than later. Remember you can’t say the wrong thing to the right person.
This article is from Reclamation, The Ubyssey's 2023 sex and relationships issue. Read more personal essays and student stories from Reclamation here, and sexual health and education articles here.