Student Governor R.B. “Goldie” Goldilocks walked into the Board of Governors meeting last Thursday to discuss tuition increases, locks gleaming and unwilling to take anything but “juuuust right” for an answer. She plopped herself into a chair. It was not juuuust right, so it shattered.
“Why does this always happen to me!?!” she exclaimed, as the meeting convened.
Some, including Sleeping Beauty, attended the meeting over Zoom. “She does these meetings from her bed,” Goldie whispered to me. “Omicron is literally the best thing to ever happen to her. It gives her an excuse to tell Prince Charming to leave her alone — or at least, not to come within six feet of her.”
Goldie fluffed her locks and took in her surroundings. The usual suspects were present. In the back corner of the room sat the Three Billy Goats Gruff, there to complain about how there was no green grass to eat on their side of the bridge. Goldilocks could never understand why they wouldn’t just befriend the troll who was allegedly barring the way across, but made a note to check her privilege on the subject.
“First off,” Governor Goldie explained, “Vancouver has lots of bridges. Go find another bridge.” She tried to coach them to use some of the tactics she’d used on her RA in first year when she and the Seven Dwarves would have parties in Orchard Commons. “All you need to tell them is that they are the fairest in the land, and then nine times out of ten, they will let you have more than five people hang out in your room during quiet hours.” The Billy Goats Gruff said that the troll did not respond well to these tactics, and usually just got all flustered. Funding was allocated to conflict mediation services between the two parties in a split vote.
Goldilocks wasn’t one to judge people looking for greener grasses, though. She told me that she had trespassed in the home of three bears during a bender just last week. She slept in their beds, sat in their chairs and ate their porridge. But they lived on the endowment lands, and her father's name was on a library, so it was quickly forgotten.
“Oh, not again,” muttered Goldilocks. Governor Wolf was making a beeline for us. Wolf was always saying creepy things to her when she’d give him friendly compliments.
“What a nice backpack you have,” she said to him as he took a seat. “All the better to eat you with,” Wolf replied.
“What?”
Wolf didn’t have time to explain himself, though. The meeting to discuss tuition increases was beginning. The Board chair started to speak and—
“Before we begin,” Goldie yelled, “I want you to know that I am vehemently and categorically opposed to the proposed tuition increases!”
Let the record show that despite her camera being off, Sleeping Beauty reacted with “?.”
The Board was astonished. Usually, they just ignored student input in these discussions, but that was difficult now that Goldie was standing right in front of them.
“Well, Goldilocks, given that you ‘vehemently and categorically oppose’ our proposed tuition hikes, what do you suggest we do instead?” said the chair of the Board.
“I propose something not too high, not too low, but juuuust right,” said Goldie defiantly.
“Give us a number!” the Governor boomed!
“I am!” insisted Goldilocks. “I’ve told you! Not too high, not too low, juuuuuust right.”
“So, let me get this straight: you think 4 per cent is too high for international student tuition.”
“4 per cent is too high,” Goldie said.
“What about 2 per cent for international students?” the Governor said, hoping they were inching towards a compromise.
“2 per cent is too low,” Goldie said. “I’m a domestic student. I need international students to pay exorbitant rates to subsidize my cheap, cheap tuition!”
The Governor appeared to do some simple calculations on their paper. The Board peered over the Governor's shoulder. Some nodded. Pinocchio nodded that it was a fair number, but his nose just got longer and longer.
Slowly, the Governor slid a piece of parchment across their desk towards Goldie. She approached and unfolded it.
“Juuust right,” she proclaimed.
And they all lived happily ever after. Except the international students. Goldilocks was, apparently, not their champion.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.