We decided to do you all a service and arbitrarily codify buses by how gay they feel. You might never use this information in your life, but we’re going to tell you anyway, in order from straightest to gayest. Enjoy the ride.
12. The R4
Hate it. Fast and new but in a plastic way. It’s almost as if it’s trying to steal glory from more deserving buses. Reeks of capitalism. The opposite of the 99.
11. The 14 and the 4
Too basic. Everywhere. In places it doesn’t need to be. So straight, it will probably date someone of the opposite gender.
10. The 68
Niche, possibly too niche. Straight couple that thinks they’re super edgy because they’re in an open relationship and both of them have septum piercings. Only use it when you don’t want to or can’t walk. Points for accessibility, but not fun or spontaneous.
9. The 49
Pretty chill, non-threatening. Wouldn’t put it very far up the ranking but we don’t mind it being there. An ally.
8. The 480
We hate this bus. It brings up repressed trauma. It’s messy and crammed and goes places we don’t need to be. Reminds us of high school. Honestly, that’s all pretty gay, but the 480 simply sucks too much to be ranked higher on this list.
7. The 33
Closeted kid at the GSA who seems nice but never talks. We can relate and empathize. Part of the nebulous gay experience. Maybe it’ll find itself and gain confidence as it grows older. A fine bus, but really a backup option.
6. The 258
Disappointing, but relatable. This bus reminds us of how we make life difficult without reason. Why would you want to take this route? Why rush by things when you can take it slow and enjoy the ride? The idea gives us anxiety. We have a love/hate relationship with it.
5. The 99
Accessible, welcoming and challenges boundaries and binaries by always being reliable and showing up for everyone. Nonbinary bi vers icon.
4. The N17
The reliable nighttime bus that always comes around. The trick is to find it downtown when you’re wobbling around after a night out. Once you find it, you’re safe. Elder gay who helped you accept yourself by affirming your first weird haircut. Good bus. Closest thing to calling your mum to rescue you at 2 a.m. from a harrowing house party.
3. The 84
Reliable, trustworthy, sapphic energy. Very neat. Liked it more when it arrived on its own stop by Falter Cage. Felt more special that way. Reminds us of when our gay aunt would arrive solo at family gatherings (without her boring corporate girlfriend) and somehow get genuinely drunk on craft beer and cut loose with Lady Gaga karaoke.
2. The 44
High-femme camp diva: too good to be true, too free to be held down. Not always available, stops running after a while. An unachievable dream. The unpredictability of this infrequent flame is what keeps you going, waiting at the 44 bus stop, deep into the night (even though you know it doesn’t operate that late), chasing the smell of its cheap perfume. You don’t ride the 44 — the 44 rides you.
1. The 25
There is no labelling this bus. The entire energy of this bus is so Queer, the fact that we can’t hope to fit it into an (arbitrary) ranking makes it the epitome of Queer. The 25 is truly the + in 2SLGBTQIA+. Something about this bus is so Queer it literally defies ranking.
This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.