There is no point in suing us

Let’s face the facts. You’re not going to agree with everything we say. And this is not because you don’t actually agree with us. Obviously, we offer the objective truth, hard facts, no room for ambiguities or varied interpretations. After all, that is what journalism is all about. You can’t disagree with us ­— because science.

You’re going to disagree with us because you can. Because in this world that is already flooded with grief and pain and people who are out to make life harder for others, you have decided to be one such person. We don’t know who hurt you, or what you’re dealing with or why you feel like you don’t belong, but for some reason you’ve decided to take it out on us.

You’re offended? By what? Our ability to live life at its fullest? Are you envious? Are you projecting? What do you hope to achieve by this? Attention? Money? Clearly you could use some to pay for the years of therapy you so obviously require.

Look, you can do what you want, but ultimately, suing us is not going to get you what you really need. We can’t tell you what you need, we’re a magazine!

Fine, you’re not convinced. Go on then, do it, we dare you. Sue us.

Just remember this. No, it isn’t libel because everything we publish is the objective truth. Cold hard facts. How dare you insinuate that we’re lying to the public? Or that we might be bad at our jobs? Or that we might make mistakes?

No, it isn’t defamation either. You know why? Because it’s true. We will say this one last time: it is NOT our fault if you have bad character. Grow up, dude. Accept yourself. Hold yourself accountable. There is no growth without acknowledging how low the bar already is. You bring shame to your family.

If you’re still not cognizant enough to comprehend that any problems you may have with our paper are an unnecessarily manufactured outcome of your own insecurities, then you should know that there is no way you can win a lawsuit against us. We have Malt Frisney money behind us. We can and will be hiring the best Carvard-educated lawyers, who will come at you with full force because they have nothing to lose — they’ve already sold their souls to the corporate machine. They are invincible. Do you know what you are? Nothing.

Don’t fool yourself! Use your time and money for something productive, like buying a personality. Or buy a chateau in France and never come back. No one wants to hear the garbage you spew in your sleep about how journalism has been bought and is no longer independent or democratic blah blah blah.

Reconcile with the facts. ­

You can never win. ☺

This article is part of The Ubyssey’s 2021 spoof issue, NICE Magazine.