Dear Iman,
I’m lucky to have made many friends and acquaintances at UBC that are really amazing! They’re smart and talented with a penchant for becoming involved in a lot of great work. The problem is that they seem to be doing so many things, while I’m just getting by. I know that I’m also smart and talented in my own ways, but how do I manage everyone seemingly achieving more than me?
— Besties, my best isn’t much
Well, you’re right! You are smart and talented in your own ways but it’s easy to forget that when you compare yourself to the people around you.
I know it’s hard not to compare yourself to others, especially when they’re your friends. You became friends with these people because you thought they were super cool and smart and talented, so it’s natural to want in on some of those attributes. But here is something important to keep in mind: appearances can be deceiving.
It can look like your friends — even your best friends — are doing all these cool things while maintaining the healthiest relationships ever, getting 100 per cent in every class and shredding it at the gym every other day. But sometimes, you only see what others want you to. Behind closed doors, your friends could be feeling the exact same way as you do. I mean, that’s what this entire advice column is built off of: the fact that each and every one of us, as university students, share some kind of universal experiences and live by a universal truth, which is that everyone feels the same way you do.
It’s like when you’re in your grade 9 math class. Stay with me. You have a question about what the fuck a polynomial is, but you’re too afraid to ask because your classmates are your best friend, that girl who you want to like you, the most hockey guy hockey guy in the world and the president of the mathletes (Mean Girls reference). You feel embarrassed. You don’t want to seem dumb by asking a question, but really, you don’t want to be vulnerable around people you want to respect you. So you say nothing. You end up failing your test. And so do a couple others in the class because, get this, they also had the same question. And they also were too afraid to ask.
What I’m trying to say is that you can talk to your friends about this! Ask them for tips about how they structure their days or find time to tag along to a study or workout sesh, if you have the capacity. These people are your friends, and friends are there to help.
Let’s say that you are doing your best and you do not have the capacity to do more. That’s okay. It can seem like others are doing more or doing better than you based off of assumptions of others and expectations we have for ourselves. But if you are trying your hardest — that’s something to be proud of. That doesn’t mean that needing a break is bad (it’s the opposite), but that if your best seems to be “worse” (whatever that means) than someone else’s best, who cares!
You are doing your best, and that’s all that matters.
You’re doing great. Keep it up!
Want to get advice from a student journalist? Eww. Send your questions, queries or problems to advice@ubyssey.ca, or submit anonymously at ubyssey.ca/pages/advice!
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