Need a sign? Here's your summer ha-roscope

As someone who has mastered everything I’ve ever done, I’ve always figuratively reached for the stars. Now, I’m doing it physically. Astrology is an enigma to me, but if NASA can do it, so can I.

Oh, that’s not what they do? But they’re the stars people. No? Oh. Well, I’m about to acquire a skill that not even NASA has. Suck on that, NASA.

The problem is that nightfall is so late that I’m fast asleep before I can even see it (8 p.m. bedtime vibes). But recently, I had a realization: the biggest star in the whole universe is available during the day. So, in order to complete my service for the people, I stared directly at the Sun for 16 hours. When my eyesight came back, I wrote down everything I learned.

But I then came across a second problem: the Sun can’t talk or communicate, at least not in a way that I can understand. So, I did some improv to fill in the gaps (in the readings and my vision).

Aries: Ohhh Aries. Yep. Yeah, you’re, you’re gonna have… a time. It’s reasonable to go buy that thing you wanted… to celebrate your circumstances. Or maybe to console you? One of those two.

Taurus: You guys are cool. This is going to be your summer, except for one week in August. I don’t know which one, but keep a sword and/or fire extinguisher close that month. Lucky number: 574,367,483,747,384,793,909.

Gemini: I just had a rock, paper, scissors battle with my brother (who is a Gemini) and I lost. So I actually recommend that Geminis watch out. Your summer is going to be full of dread and agony.

Cancer: Good health, hopefully.

Leo: You are going to have the best summer in the world. All of your dreams will come true. Yay you!!

Virgo: Someone is going to surprise you when you least expect it. Will it be a good surprise? Depends on how big a fan you are of clowns.

Libra: Are you guys the balanced ones? Like, the justice ones? Okay. Looking at libra imagery, I think you’re going to take your first step to becoming a judge. I searched it up and apparently you have to spend a “minimum of 10 years at the bar,” so you better drink up and watch your liver this summer.

Scorpio: You’re going to go to the beach and see a celebrity, but you’re going to be really chill about it. They’ll think you’re cool and down to earth, not like all the other rabid fans they meet. You’ll share a few laughs and go your separate ways. Lucky number: 80,085.

Sagittarius: You’re going to meet a person on the beach who mistakes you for a celebrity. Because you’re a funny guy, you’re going to go along with it. You’ll call them cool and down to earth, not like all the other “rabid fans” you “meet.” You’ll share a few laughs and go your separate ways. Lucky number: 8,008,135.

Capricorn: Hmm. Good summer. Then bad summer. Then good summer. Then bad summer. Back and forth until September. Sorry.

Aquarius: I searched this up and all I’m getting is tanks full of fish. Fake sign.

Pisces: Maybe drink water? Yeah, drink some water. I think you’ll like that a lot.