Pissed on, pissed off: Who is the UBC pisser?

Whether your doomscroll app of choice is TikTok, Instagram or Tumblr (if you’re old-fashioned), you’ve probably come across the infamous university pissers. It’s gotten so popular that there are now multiple accounts dedicated to catching these pissers. Today, I will put on my detective cap and determine who the pisser truly is. Is it my current situationship who has yet to respond to my text (how busy could someone in forestry truly be)? Is it the CEO of Workday pissing on our campus because pissing on our schedules, registration system and overall peace of mind just wasn’t enough? Or is it the TA who for some reason had a personal vendetta against me in second-year? Stay tuned to find out just who ~~I decide to defame~~ the pisser truly is.

Here are the facts. Fact one: the first piss the pisser posted was at the UBC Engineering Cairn. This immediately eliminates all the engineering students as potential suspects, since they all took a blood oath in first-year Jump Start where they swore their allegiance to the E. This is rather unfortunate for me because I have a lot of ~~people I want to defame in engineering~~ genuine interest in finding out who the pisser is (obviously, why else would I write a piece about the pisser like a month after the pisser was pissing).

The next place the pisser targeted was Walter Gage residence: home of bed bugs, stained curtains and persistent dread. Also, students. Walter Gage is also really close to the Arts Student Centre, colloquially known as “the garbage can building.” UBC built it for their largest faculty so they have a place to put the trash. It is statistically likely that the pisser is an arts student — not for any actual statistical reasons, but because someone always has to take the piss out of something and it’s almost always an arts student. However, this doesn’t fit my personal narrative, so we’re going to move on.

Across the way from where all the arts kids reside is the Sauder School of Business, or as I like to call it, Dr. McEvil’s School of Super-Villainy. I definitely wouldn’t put it past a Lex Luthor wannabe to piss all over campus, but I have been instructed by my higher-ups that I will in fact be sued if I continue to be “unethically mean and lowkey kind of evil,” so I have to say they are innocent for now. Apparently “innocent until proven guilty” is how justice works? Idk.

So far, we have eliminated engineering, arts and Sauder — so what’s next? Well, we have to look at the pisser’s third location to determine that. The third victim of the pisser was the UBC fountain clock thingy, or as my editor told me to call it, the Martha Piper Plaza fountain. Located on Main Mall, the fountain clock has the ability to … tell time, I think? Now, who would want to piss all over our time? None other than my bestie’s evil situationship! Let’s call him Sue Sylvester’s incompetent little brother. Unfortunately, after a deep and thoughtful analysis (speaking to my editor again and her telling me I in fact cannot say my bestie’s ex is the pisser no matter how much of a lowlife loser he was), I have concluded I do not have enough evidence to prove the pisser is Baby Sue. My evidence was “I really hate the guy” and I guess that just doesn’t cut it these days.

In the end, does it really matter who the pisser is? Think about it: in a way, we are all the pisser, constantly complaining about profs and TAs and even our own UBC family. Divide and conquer is a powerful tool used by those at the top. After all, “all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” only works if the animals are complicit in their own extermination.

Anyways don’t forget to smash that like and subscribe button and comment your evil ex’s name and I’ll run him over with my car <3

First online Nov. 26, 2025, 2:55 a.m.