What if I told you that every third Wednesday of every month for the past century, somewhere within our campus, a meeting was held. An important meeting – one where the fate of this university is determined by the fickle wants and whims of those present.
Well, according to the research I conducted in the last 52 minutes, this has been the reality we have been living in for our entire undergraduate careers. Our entire lives. The secretive body and its meeting go by the name “Senate” and, needless to say, I was deeply disturbed when I was made aware of its existence.
There I was, 52 minutes ago, a believer that we lived in a free world — one where everyone lived by the same rules and power belonged to the people!
Making full use of my alleged freedom, I was partaking in my beloved hobby: breaking into lecture halls to play Fortnite Solo Mode on the projectors while screaming with the “Take On Me” cover playlist I set up to play through the AV system in the background. All was well and wonderful. I was strewn across the desk in the Life Sciences Centre 1003 and the Red Hot Chili Piper’s bagpipes cover had just ended so I was triumphantly shrieking to the rhythm of the trumpet intro for the Reel Big Fish Ska cover — considering the Legendary Enhanced Fury Assault Rifle and two Chug Jugs in my loadout the Victory Royale was all but secured — when suddenly the room started to fill up. Faculty, deans, a few students, and someone called “Chief Librarian.”
“Sick! An audience to bear witness to my awesomeness!” I thought. If only.
“Did you approve this with the Agenda committee?” a charming Quebecois voice inquired. Agenda committee? I shuddered thinking about the sort of freak who sits on a committee for agendas. This dude was bumming me out. “Can’t say I have,” I smirked just as charmingly.
I was asked to leave soon after.
After tipping my hat at the exit, I stuck around hoping to get a read on this irregular assembly. While listening through the walls, peering through the undercut of the door and attempting a few scrying spells I learned online, I observed a lot which concerned me. They seemed to be asking questions and voting on things!
Who are these people? What gave them the right to decide these things?! And what are “these things” anyway?!!! The me of 52 minutes ago was fuming. At this moment, I decided I had to investigate this “Senate” and expose it as the malicious force I had just decided it was.
“Now I’m onto you,” I whispered as I DuckDuckGo searched “ubc senate.” I scoured through the results. I learned Senators are elected. Weird! I’ve never voted for one. I found they live stream meetings on Facebook Live. Would they really be using a washed up platform like Facebook to live stream meetings if they wanted us to know about them?
Then, there were all the meeting documents. I clicked on one, saw a page length of over 300, and gave up.
This isn’t the way, I thought. To really get to the truth about Senate, I need to be on the inside! Then, my Senate awareness campaign could truly begin! I salivated pondering the Instagram explainer posts I would produce with Canva. Maybe I’d even have a website or a column called “Senate Recentered”!
So, in that fateful 52 minutes, it was decided: I would be running for Senate.
The ignorant have waited long enough! It's time for the oblivious majority to rise up! Vote me into Senate and I’ll figure out what it is once and for all!
Editor’s note: Writer appears unaware election season is over. When I told him, he threatened to oust me as “part of the Big Senate conspiracy” and filed an HR complaint about my “egregious lying” to our Managing Editor. My hearing is currently underway.
