Professor Narcelous Randal says it all started when he was a child. “When I was 10 years old, I was sitting in my 4th grade class, surrounded by peers who were picking their noses, free from the fears of what tomorrow held. When it was time to clean up after playtime, I was still driving my toy red 1977 Ponyact Phoenix.”
Randal remarked that he would never forget what happened next and took a deep breath to re-center himself. “I’m drifting my car against the multicoloured shag carpet when I crash into a barricade, known as my teacher Ms. Thomson’s legs. I looked up at her and was met with a stern look, but I could tell she was holding something back. Something I soon identified as a smirk.”
He depicts how this moment changed his life forever. “I realized Ms. Thomson wasn’t about to tell me off out of anger per se, but rather she enjoyed telling kids they were in trouble. Was there something invigorating about exercising that amount of power? About your word being the final say — the law — something for students to hold above all as if it’s gospel?”
Randal remembers the moment Ms. Thomson must have noticed that he picked up on her smirk, because her expression immediately changed. “Put your toys away and sit your butt in the corner, Mr. Randal.” Her tone was aggressive, but Randal knew she was trying to regain control.
But, it was too late.
As he marched his way to the corner of the room, his peers began to laugh. Randal would never be the popular person that kids looked up to. Randal recounts that it was in that moment — peers giggling as he stalked to undeserved prison — he decided not to be the guy who was laughed at, but instead the adult who ruins the dreams of those younger than him.
“I knew what this 10-year-old Canadian-born child had to become… A 30-year-old Canadian evil professor.”
In May 2026, Professor Randal will be celebrating his fifth year of teaching at the University of British Columbia’s Department of Technologies of Mass Destruction. Professor Randal has become known for his obscure teaching practices, which have received international acclaim. Last month, Randal tasked each of his 872 students to write him a beautiful letter congratulating him on his successes and five-year prof-iversary.
Unfortunately, all Randal’s students found this assignment utterly impossible. Prioritizing their mental health and physical health (the sheer exertion required to come up with one nice thing about Randal, five separate students claimed, was ‘lowkey aneurysm-inducing'), they collectively took 5 per cent losses to their grades.
When students were asked by Vague why they could not complete the assignment, they were quick to respond. “This guy is obviously hurt — not sure if the school lets him teach because he’s qualified, or because they feel bad for him.”
Certain students even turned to ChatGPT, but the program gave up, spitting out the following message: “Due to system programming, if I have nothing nice to say, I am instructed to say nothing at all.”
At first glance, Professor Randal may not seem evil, but the thousands of Rank My Teach reviews from victimized students suggests otherwise. “One time I arrived three minutes late for class and instead of just being scolded, he shouted at me, ordering a large mocha with extra chocolate. I was bewildered.” Randal then ushered them out the door and said they could return once they had secured his order. “Is this even legal?” The student then begrudgingly trekked the 20 minutes across campus’s favourite coffee shop Mid Chihuahua. “When I got back, he sipped the mocha then told me it was cold and threw it in the garbage right in front of the 500 person lecture hall ... He then announced how I had missed the pop quiz worth 20 per cent. Did I do something wrong?”
Randal does not see an issue with his methods. “People don’t understand that teaching doesn't stick without fear. Students forget the stuff in their textbook, but they don’t forget my lessons.”
Randal has quite a catalogue of obscure assignments, especially for teaching a class called The Dark Forces of the World 101. He had all his students write an essay on the effects of social justice programs in the workplace, with the only caveat being that they couldn’t use the letter “o”.
He also once made his students watch the Wasp Movie, then dress up as human-sized insects and do a live re-enactment for him. If they did not have perfect articulation when reciting the iconic ‘Ya Like Jazz’ line, then they failed the infamous final.
“I knew what this 10-year-old Canadian-born child had to become… A 30-year-old Canadian evil professor.”
In May 2026, Professor Randal will be celebrating his fifth year of teaching at the University of British Columbia’s Department of Technologies of Mass Destruction. Professor Randal has become known for his obscure teaching practices, which have received international acclaim. Last month, Randal tasked each of his 872 students to write him a beautiful letter congratulating him on his successes and five-year prof-iversary.
Unfortunately, all Randal’s students found this assignment utterly impossible. Prioritizing their mental health and physical health (the sheer exertion required to come up with one nice thing about Randal, five separate students claimed, was ‘lowkey aneurysm-inducing’), they collectively took 5 per cent losses to their grades.
When students were asked by Vague why they could not complete the assignment, they were quick to respond. “This guy is obviously hurt — not sure if the school lets him teach because he’s qualified, or because they feel bad for him.”
Certain students even turned to TalkGPT, but the program gave up, spitting out the following message: “Due to system programming, if I have nothing nice to say, I am instructed to say nothing at all.”
At first glance, Professor Randal may not seem evil, but the thousands of Rank My Teach reviews from victimized students suggests otherwise. “One time I arrived three minutes late for class and instead of just being scolded, he shouted at me, ordering a large mocha with extra chocolate. I was bewildered.” Randal then ushered them out the door and said they could return once they had secured his order. “Is this even legal?” The student then begrudgingly trekked the 20 minutes across campus’s favourite coffee shop Mid Chihuahua. “When I got back, he sipped the mocha then told me it was cold and threw it in the garbage right in front of the 500 person lecture hall ... He then announced how I had missed the pop quiz worth 20 per cent. Did I do something wrong?”
Randal does not see an issue with his methods. “People don’t understand that teaching doesn’t stick without fear. Students forget the stuff in their textbook, but they don’t forget my lessons.”
Randal has quite a catalogue of obscure assignments, especially for teaching a class called The Dark Forces of the World 101. He had all his students write an essay on the effects of social justice programs in the workplace, with the only caveat being that they couldn’t use the letter “o”.
He also once made his students watch the Wasp Movie, then dress up as human-sized insects and do a live re-enactment for him. If they did not have perfect articulation when reciting the iconic ‘Ya Like Jazz’ line, then they failed the infamous final.
Upon this list, the strangest assessment is the final exam. Students must create an outfit and look which resembles an old beat-up photo he has in his wallet of Ms. Thomson. Students must, one by one, stand at the opposite end of the parking lot from him and shout; “it’s time to put your Ponyact away, Mr. Randal.” Professor Randal then hits the gas and drifts as close as he can get to the students without hitting them.
This year, the university reported an accident in which Randal’s student, Amelie Thomson, was completing her final exam when Randal’s 3,500-pound 1977 red Ponyact Phoenix just continued straight through her torso, sweeping her off her feet and sending her countless feet forward. Amelia will likely have a full recovery, but maybe not tbh idk. When questioned about the incident, Professor Randal only mustered a smirk and said that he thought he saw someone he once knew.
Due to the physical injuries sustained by Amelia Thomson, UBC’s legal team placed Professor Randal on involuntary administrative leave for a year until he can apply for a review of this decision. When asked if he would return, Randal was quick to answer. “I love teaching. I will be back. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling Thomsons.”
