I first encountered this serum in the most likely of places, my local Triple Lows — where prices aren’t low but your self esteem is!
Before I even crossed the Timmy-to-Trip threshold, a yodel ripped out of me — aggressive in force and autonomous from my consciousness. “SHIT you have good skin!” It was an understatement. That cashier glowed, dare I say even radiated. Her skin made passionate, passionate love with the photons glittering about her face. Customers were having to place sunglasses on the bridges of their noses to protect their vision from this blinding light.
Beauty isn’t just about symmetry and good genetics. It’s about confidence, charisma, aura — here at Vague, we refer to this with the technical term ‘pizzazz.’ I quickly rushed to the counter where this goddess of a cashier was squirting an unidentifiable lumpy greyish sauce onto a beef patty.
I leaned in. Barely above a whisper, I asked the burning question: how does one achieve such an effortlessly greasy glow? The cashier only responded with a playful smile.“You want fries with that?”
It felt like some sort of trick, or some entitled pretty person jab. Next I assumed she would reveal the secret to her exceptional hourglass figure was by eating ‘whatever.’ In response to my confusion, the cashier stuck her bare hand into a burning pot of oil, elegantly lifted a singular fry and dabbed it across her porcelain face. She now resembled the centre of the sun and customers started applying sunscreen.
The french fry, colloquially known as yummy yummy goodness, is praised by grandmothers’ FryBook groupchats, tarot cards and scientists such as Sorsa Justrustme MD. In the product’s fine print, Dr. Justrustme explains that youthful skin is subjective and she blackmails anyone who attempts to sue her. (“Just try me,” was Justrustme’s official statement to the press.)
This product can be found across a variety of fast food chains, making it the most accessible beauty product of our generation. Users will find the best results when the fry is retrieved from boiling oil 50 milliseconds before applying it directly to the skin. For application, the user should dab it gently across their face in areas most susceptible to wrinkling — under the eyes, forehead, corners of lips and the inside of your nostrils.
Once the skin has absorbed the serum, there are two possible steps. Break the fry in two and use the exposed white innards to pat your entire face, or eat the fry. Both methods are suggested to lead to different outcomes, but Vague can not guarantee what will result in death, or beautiful skin. Some users have reported particularly effective results when applying the innards of the fry aggressively to the point of pulverization. Other experts recommend eating the used fry, pointing to the beauty benefits of the spike in happiness received from consuming Solanum tuberosum — which sounds fancy so it has to be effective.
Editor’s note: Idselloutoirving Ifonlytheydhireme, a former reporter for Vague, died after repeatedly using this beauty product in 2026, while dedicating themself to searching for accessible beauty must-haves.
Vague’s New Favourite Product: Fry Skin Dropper
- Why We Love It: Cheap and affordable. This product is guaranteed to work for everyone with an unnatural tolerance for heat. “It might give you third degree burns for a while, but afterwards your skin will be amazing — or non-existent,” says a worker at the Cavendish Beauty Stop and Shop. The parent company, JD Nerving made a sharp turn from petroleum to natural cosmetics after someone on the plant had their face covered in burning potato oil, peeled off their skin, saw bone, and noticed that they looked different. (Talk about a green transition!) The product is accessible at your local Triple Lows, HickDonalds, and Bae and DoubleYou.
- Key Ingredients: Solanum tuberosum, Adenosine, Elaeis guineensis oil, crack
- Texture: Crisp outer surface, powdery and starchy texture
- Best For: hyperthermophiles
- Size: The weight of a HickDonalds’ medium fry
