It’s no secret that UBC has been struggling financially. Why else would they keep raising tuition? Students can expect their ever-increasing tuition to keep on rising following an announcement from UBC administration at 10:69 p.m. on Feb. 13. After months of twiddling their thumbs, the UBC President’s Office released a statement. “We’ve really done it this time,” the message, sent via email to all students, begins before revealing that UBC has fallen victim to a hostile takeover.
“Absolute power over university administration has been seized by an outside corporation. UBC is now under complete, indisputable control of The Company that Makes Cinnamon Hearts. Just in time for Valentine’s Day!”
The Ubyssey was able to obtain additional information about how this administration change will impact students.
Today, Feb. 14 marks the end of the University of British Columbia, “as the University of Bold Cinnamon shall rise,” the communications representative of the Cinnamon Hearts Guys, Wilhelmina E. Wonka said in an interview with The Ubyssey. This rise, she says, is intended to bring about the vindication of every weirdo that bought a red UBC sweater instead of the normal navy one when their mom took them to the bookstore, for the good ol’ blue and gold is being phased out, alongside all T-Bird branding. All sports teams will, effective immediately, fly the banner of “the sweetest team around,” the newly christened UBC Cinna-Maniacs. Thunder will be replaced by Hartley Heart, an anthropomorphized Cinnamon Heart, a statue of whom will be unveiled at what is currently known as Thunderbird Stadium’s renaming ceremony. The new name is yet-to-be revealed — “that’s top secret, even more secret than what we use to dye our cinnamon hearts that bright red,” said Wonka on the matter. Here’s hoping the good people at Cinnamon Hearts pick a name that reflects the actual seating arrangements — one grandstand does not make it a stadium. You have a field. Just a field.
Athletes can look forward to another change. The department of sports medicine and the Cinnamon Hearts marketing department are co-developing a state-of-the-art training regimen and diet plan for the Cinna-Maniacs. Sources indicate a hearty dose of Cinnamon Hearts is involved, with powdered Cinnamon Hearts replacing all protein powder and pre-workout.
You don’t have to be on one of the heart-sity teams (see what I did there?) to enjoy the benefits of the bold taste of cinnamon, though. All first-year dining hall menus are being overhauled to factor in the daily recommended dose of cinnamon, as researched by the nutritional value division of the Cinnamon Hearts company. Major changes include the replacement of all salt and pepper shakers with cinnamon and cinnamon shakers, a complete repainting of all surfaces in Cinnamon Hearts Red (inspired by Vantablack but like, the reddest red instead), and the removal of all desserts, save for Cinnamon Hearts obviously.
We spoke to Art Vandelay, a first-year architecture student about how these changes impact those residing on campus. Vandelay expressed his disdain for these changes, citing his dislike of cinnamon and garishily painted walls. Vandelay’s UBC acceptance was retroactively revoked following these comments.
The AMS Nest is set to be renamed the AMS Chest, and a variety of AMS services are being upgraded as well. Most notably — and that’s quite an overstatement — The AMS Safewalk service is being replaced with the AMS Spicewalk. When asked to describe how their services differ from Safewalk, Spicewalk responded with the following AI-generated blurb: "Summon Spicewalk using one of our bright red poles scattered across campus, and a member of our team will arrive in the strangest looking golf cart you could ever imagine and escort you safely to your destination if you promise to leave a good Google review of Who Even Owns Cinnamon Hearts? Inc.”
Experts note that this is fundamentally the exact same as the original program, the only difference being the colour of something inconsequential, meaning UBC is in the beginning stages of death-by-classic corporate-rebranding-techniques. The horror.
At present, it is unclear if this is a publicity stunt, but new information from trusted sources such as internet crackpots and telepathic dogs have revealed that the never-ending on-campus construction is nefariously connected to this takeover. The new builds are not the ever-promised student housing expansions, rather they are Cinnamon Hearts factories. On an entirely unrelated note, a new graduation requirement has been introduced, also effective immediately: all students (current and incoming) must complete the 0.001 credit course FCTR_V 101 Introduction to Factory Line Working. This class, these factories, and the sudden influx of Cinnamon Hearts vending machines in every building on campus unfortunately implies a long-term commitment from our new corporate overlords sweethearts.
