All is fair in love and hating on your group members. Maybe it’s because it’s the end of term and I have one too many TAs not replying to my emails and one too many finals in a single week. Perhaps I’m in an especially rage-baitable period of my life. But the humour section needs content, so for you, dear readers, I will ragebait myself. Looking back at the term, here are my (not-so) fond reflections on who’s making my annual top three group members who worsened my female pattern balding this year.
…Or at least, that’s what I was going to do, but my therapist says my hater tendencies are “making me insensitive.” He said I should try to "journal” in a “notebook” to “process” my “emotions” without “suppressing” them.
So I did. I wrote three-page letters to all of the group members I’ve hated before, and sealed them with a bow and a mango Hi-CHEW (it’s the worst flavour and I’m not willing to debate that), for opps so intense I don’t know what else to do. Here are my victims: “DND” Daniel Noe Dointhat (coincidentally also called “DND” by his buddies at Alpha Sigbruh) because he’s a horrible replier; “Reels Sedated” Amy Brainlesse because she’d always scroll through reels at our meetings — if she decided to show up; and last but not least, “team work makes the dream work except I don't want to work ‘cause I’m a freerider” Mary Contrary.
I’m still a morally sound person though, so it would be outrageously, unfathomably inconvenient if the letters, for some reason, left my drawer and reached the respective doorsteps of my campus enemies.
Update: The letters did in fact reach their doorsteps.
Turns out my roommate “accidently” mailed the letters to them. (She may or may not have found her Ben & Jerry's scraped clean in the freezer, but to be fair, I couldn’t help myself — HIST 220 essays make me hangry. This is the kind of revenge you see in Game of Thrones!)
No wonder everyone in my program was looking at me weirdly last week. Yeah, my T-zone has been looking like a park of active volcanoes, but no way there are rumours that I, of all people, am a D1 hater. Guys, I’m a team player. There's nothing more I love than collaborating with like-minded folks in the community — it’s literally on my LinkedIn! Nevertheless, I decided I should take control of the narrative instead of chasing my roommate around our floor with a rolled-up newspaper. So, naturally, I wrote to The Ubyssey asking them to publish the following statement.
Dear UBCers, Ubysseyers, Ubusseyrs, students of UBC , Dearest gentle readers
To: All of the group members I’ve hated met before
From: Viva
RE: An apology to those recently discussed in the latest … correspondences.
It has come to my attention that the letters I was prescribed to write by my therapist (whom I will not doxx, because I am a good person) that I wrote so as to “realize” and “better process” my “emotions,” have been, clearly, accidentally, mailed to their intended recipients.
I’m sorry people are so jealous of me. I can’t help that I’m an awesome flippin’ group leader. Is it because of my micromanaging tendencies that I inherited from my very Asian parents? Possibly. Nonetheless, it appears I owe an apology to each of you.
To DND, maybe my expectations were too high. I know our 1 p.m. meetings that I specifically coordinated to suit your course timetable were too early for you. I also shouldn't have emailed you four times in the span of two days regarding a PowerPoint draft you were supposed to send five days prior. Missing three meetings in a row without sending a single text message regarding your absences does not mean you don’t care about anything that the group is doing. I shall respect your boundaries next time.
To “Reels Sedated” Amy, they say “bread and circus” pacifies, but if it's a choice between giving feedback on the poster and the slide deck your group is talking about right in front of you versus watching a reel about which Italian brainrot mogs the hardest, I know my choice! So I totally get you queen! It’s really hard to face your responsibilities!
To “team work makes the dream work except I don't want to work ‘cause I’m a freerider” Mary, every time I’d see your profile picture pop up on our Google Doc, I’d be at the edge of my seat waiting for what you were about to type. Even though that day never really came, perhaps I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt. You’re right — I should've taken into account that you were busy, or that you accidentally spilled Audi R4 CV axle grease all over your laptop, or maybe your dog ate your keyboard. Hey, it happens to the best of us!
It was never my intention to harm you guys with these letters — only to educate. You all are such hardworking busy buzzing bees and I simply want you to realize your full potential. You all were truly (mildly) great (annoying asf) to work with.
I’d like to offer this assurance: should future grievances arise, I shall not write secret hate letters to each of you. I will simply tell it to your face.
Fuck you,
Viva
