The only thing that’s taking longer than the new SkyTrain was Belly choosing Conrad in The Summer I Turned Pretty. But that eventually happened, so I guess what I’m saying is we should not lose all hope!
Everyone’s been wondering, “why is this SkyTrain taking so long?” Well, I have the special pleasure of being privy to this information (it pays to be nosy). Since I'm not a gatekeeper, I will no longer keep you in anticipation.
Headphones are out
The complaints about Vancouver being a “socially-dead city” have been heard loud and clear. Therefore, transit officials are implementing new measures to enforce mandatory interpersonal interaction. These new features resemble the phone lock pouches that your local high schools implemented to deprive you of the light at the end of the tunnel that was your five minute mid-class TikTok break. The UBC version, however, has an exciting twist: instead of these bags being for your phones, they are intended for headphone and earbud storage for the duration of your SkyTrain experience. This way you can “talk to people” and “be social” — crazy concept, I know. Now, whenever you want to compliment someone’s shoes or tell them to move out of your way, you don’t have to worry about them wearing AirPods.
This is also projected to benefit society in general, as you will no longer need to get hearing aids by the time you are 30! Now you can spend more money on textbooks and less on the self-inflicted doom that is intentionally aging your ears to the point of no repair.
Tiny home livin'
Engineers are also hard at work trying to figure out how to add tiny homes in between SkyTrain cars. The only issues are that they will have to remove some seating areas from the rest of the SkyTrain and people will have to walk through your living room if you become a coveted SkyTrain homeowner. These additional houses are forecasted to bring back some affordability to housing in Vancouver! The prices are estimated to start at one million dollars, but they are trying to lower it to make it even more affordable… It should happen any day now…
As for the specifics of these tiny homes? They are even smaller in square footage and ceiling height than the cozy Vanier dorms. You will have all your appliances and essentials in one room, but open concept spaces are really in right now! Will it feel like a constant, never-ending earthquake as you reach stop after stop? Will you fly from one side of the room to the next as the crappy SkyTrain brakes threaten to give out at any moment? Perhaps, but look on the bright side — this will better prepare you for the "Big One" that's due soon.
Practical parking solutions
They are also adding a parking garage on top of each new SkyTrain car to lighten the load on traffic downtown. Ultimately, this is to get more people to where they need to go, but it’s also because the new SkyTrain expansion will not be running until 1 a.m. like every other SkyTrain. Hours will be from 11 a.m.–5 p.m., because honestly, it’s your fault for choosing those 8 a.m. classes. Nerd. As for those of you who have classes that end later than 5 p.m., these measures are put into place to force you to have a life outside of your heavy course loads. Don’t think of this as “stranding you on campus” with “no way to get home,” think of this as “an opportunity to have a really epic sleepover at The Pit.” By trapping students on campus, UBC expects to earn 515 per cent more money from the IKB vending machines, and Vancouver predicts they’ll lose their “no-fun city” reputation in a matter of weeks — talk about two birds, one stone!
But wait, there’s more! With these new mobile parking garages, you can bring your vehicle to campus at a small fee (a meager approximation of triple the cost of gas for your regular commute) then you can park it at UBC for, once again, a small, tiny, super small, microscopic fee (of like one grand)... How are the parking garages going to work? How many vehicles will they hold? Will this affect the speed of the SkyTrain? I don’t know. I am in Arts, don’t ask me.
When is this all happening? Not sure. But with these very noticeable changes, trust me, when the SkyTrain finally reaches UBC, you’ll know.
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