The only thing slower than people walking around campus is my professor marking my essay that I handed in weeks ago. What’s my grade in that class? I don’t know, but I have another essay due in a week and no feedback yet, so we’re just flying blind at this point.
This year, there has been an astronomical increase in slow walkers at UBC. I am determined to get to the rationale behind this sudden onslaught of slow walkers. The only way to deal with evil is to face it directly, just like the R4 line, which meant interviewing slow walkers I came across on Main Mall during the glorious and not-at-all crowded time of 12 p.m.–2 p.m. I want to preface this investigation by saying I am not an asshole: if you have a reason that you need to walk slowly, I am not talking about you. I wish you well on your slow-walking journey. I am, however, talking about the dilly-dalliers who think life is all sunshine and rainbows and smelling roses, when in fact life at UBC is about smelling the faint scent of trash and cannabis, along with a hint of salt water, and getting through each day with an unparalleled sense of urgency.
The first slow walker I encountered was making every step I was making, like some twisted version of ballroom dancing except I wanted to place my hand on his shoulder to yank him into the fountain. I fought the urge and simply tapped him on the shoulder. I asked if I could interview him for The Ubyssey on his sickening inability to pick up the pace. He turned to me and lifted one side of his headphones. “The Ubussy?” I tried correcting him, but he was insistent that it was ‘the Ubussy.’ Things were already off to a great start. When I asked about his walking pace, he seemed unbothered and told me to go around him. Now why didn’t I think of that?
When I tried to emphasize how people are urgently running along Main Mall to their classes, he shrugged his shoulders. “The lion doesn’t concern himself with issues that don’t affect him.” This lion should concern himself with walking faster or I’ll summon an army of electric scooters to run him over.
I thanked him for his time and asked for his name. “Chad.” Of course.
Next, I found myself face-to-face with evil in the form of people positioned in a line walking side-by-side slowly, like they were in some boy band. This is not the position that Sabrina Carpenter asked if you’ve tried. The group then laughed about nothing funny, which I know because I was forced to listen to their whole conversation as I trailed them for many painful minutes.
When forced to face the slow walker allegations, the entire group looked at me in amazement that someone finally called them out. (I would describe this as akin to the gaze on people’s faces when Robert Irwin ripped his shirt off on Dancing with the Stars.) Weren’t expecting that, huh?
They wanted to remain anonymous, but for the purposes of accurate journalism, I will be making up their names. PSA to slow walkers everywhere: you cannot hide in plain sight when you stop in the middle of the walking path on your freaking phone.
With no compassion or empathy for my standpoint, one slow walker revealed to The Ubyssey, “I don’t see the big deal of rushing to class.” Of course you don’t, Brad, because you haven’t been to any of your lectures since the first week. When you grace the campus with your presence, you walk around like you are taking a nice stroll in the park, while other people have three minutes left to get to class — and that’s including their time to go up two flights of stairs where everyone suddenly forgets how to move their feet up a single step.
A sixth-year kinesiology student named Sloanne Steady quickly stepped in — so it is possible — to provide her thoughts on this matter. “When I put on my headphones, I’m trying to live my main character moment. You know the vibe: watching the trees and letting the wind blow through my hair as I look longingly off into the distance. I’m also auditioning to be the backup background character in the show filming on campus.”
Steady then handed me her resume. “Give this to [the film crew] when you see them. Could you also take some photos to show them?” I informed her that The Ubyssey is a newspaper, not a delivery service or free headshot studio, and that I am not a photographer.
“So what do you do? Oh. Humour?” Don’t sound too enthused. “So you like, make up stories?” Steady asked. I have to be, because there is no way this conversation can possibly be real. In short, what the hell.
Finally, I caught up with second-year zoology student Mu Fasta, who finally turned around when I tapped her shoulder (for the 17th time) and she showed me her phone, unprompted. “Oh, I’m listening to 10 hours of Slow Walking. Thank you, have a good day.”
During exam season, everyone is stressed enough, so let’s all pick up the pace and develop useful tools like “social courtesy” and “spatial awareness” and “not taking up the entire sidewalk with your meandering.” When you do come into contact with a slow walker, I say let your instincts take over — even if that means “borrowing” someone’s electric scooter and crashing into them as you continue to drive to class.
The Ubyssey is not liable for the consequences resulting from these actions, and neither is ‘The Ubussy.’
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