Sephora vending machines and more ways UBC will waste your money

If you thought for a second that paying exorbitant tuition rates would grant you academic necessities like a fast and stable internet connection, think again! Instead, UBC has invested our money into installing more essential on-campus amenities, like the Sephora vending machine in the Nest. Who cares about submitting your midterm paper before 11:59 p.m. when you can be pretty instead?

In celebration of this long-awaited development, I have been legally cleared to share some of the exciting upcoming utilities you’ll soon see on UBC campus.

Slime vending machine

While you’re ~~cramming~~ diligently reviewing 20 lecture recordings, 12 readings and 80 practice questions the night before the big exam, you’re going to need something to clutch onto to prevent your fingers from pulling out your hair as you stare at that empty Wi-Fi bar at the top of your computer screen. What better way to deal with the stress than to play around with soft and squishy slime, purchasable from the new slime vending machine to be installed in IKB?

Warning: don’t leave it in your hands for too long. It will stick to your sweaty palms permanently and you really don’t want your new nickname to be ‘IKB’s Sloppy Slimer.’ (If no one calls you that, I will be the first.)

Monkey bars in every student residence

Imagine how cool it would be to swing to your dorm instead of walking. This is an opportunity to train your upper-body strength, remaining fit and active while completing mundane tasks like making your way to the communal showers. Not only will this make you absolutely ripped, you can also utilize the bars to deplete yourself of the energy you’d use to punch your computer screen when ubcsecure decides to prank you with a disappearing act as you're doing your homework.

Student Hunger Games arena

Streaming on school Wi-Fi? Not a chance. Solution? Turn your attention to live entertainment, instead.

Each term there will be a random draw of 24 students who’ll participate in UBC’s new and exciting student Hunger Games (not to be confused with UBC’s regular old and boring Hunger Games). The new arena is slotted for construction on top of Vanier because it’s about to fall apart so there’s a nice little rustic post-apocalyptic background ruins vibe for you already. Victors get nothing because UBC needs the money to fund this list of urgent initiatives and more to come.