Sassy Sage is Ubyssey humour’s satirical advice column, written by Selena Sallay. You can seek her misinformation disguised as heartfelt counsel by writing to her at advice@ubyssey.ca. Letters will be edited for brevity, clarity and to make them funnier tbh.
Dear Sassy Sage,
I got set up with this guy, and now he keeps messaging me extremely suggestive emojis like he’s in middle school flirting with a girl for the first time … He will not leave me alone!!! When I told him I was going to block him and that I did not want to hook up with him, he had the audacity to ask me to set him up with my best friend. HELP.
Desperately,
Ivanna Somepeace
Dear Ivanna,
We live in a world full of people wanting their hot girlfriends to pay the bill on Valentine’s Day. Shocking as it may seem to you given the composed, untouchable aura I radiate, but this has even happened to the incomparable ME! In short, we have now reached the utter downfall of humanity.
This email reminded me that I am not hating on men enough. My fellow ladies, we need to stand up. Be warned: if you are not careful, you’ll wake up one day with a bum of a boyfriend on your couch, wondering where your life went wrong as you watch romance movies continuously longing for what the protagonists have while telling yourself passionate sex is unrealistic to make yourself feel better. Am I speaking from experience once more? This isn’t about me.
If no one has told you, Ivanna, I’m sorry. For some cruel reason you were chosen as the sacrifice to deal with an unwanted onslaught of eggplant emojis insinuating a desire to show you his purple pickle IRL. I wouldn’t even set this sorry excuse for a human up with my greatest enemy. Okay, maybe I would.
I would advise the following: block him, change your number and then blow up your phone because it has been exposed to the incurable virus of his sickening texts gracing your screen. If seeking revenge is more your vibe, I suggest torching his U-Pass and then calling Transit Security so he gets fined. An alternative option is to bring back shame: stalk his mom on Facebook and send her screenshots of his messages. Lastly, if “simple and effective” is your vibe, set him up with the worst person you know (or write back for the full government name, address and contact info of the worst person I know, if you need a target). Misery loves company, so let them have one another. There’s no point in making two other people miserable!
Stay safe and stay single,
Sassy Sage
