Sassy Sage is Ubyssey humour’s satirical advice column, written by Selena Sallay. You can seek her misinformation disguised as heartfelt counsel by writing to her at advice@ubyssey.ca. Letters will be edited for brevity, clarity and to make them funnier tbh.
Dear Sassy Sage,
I have a party to go to later but I also have an important exam. If I go to my exam, I’ll miss the pre and everyone knows that’s the best part of the function. What tf do I do man? Do I succumb to the academic pressures preventing me from embracing my true LMFAO "Party Rock Anthem" self? Do I free myself from the control of the institution by turning up? I am faced with an impossible dilemma, please advise.
Soberly,
Anita Drinkandit’sonlynoon
Dear Anita (and other desperate readers),
Allow me to first introduce myself. The people have longed for someone to receive advice from during these unprecedented times. Friends lie all the time — you can’t trust them. Trust, anyway, is overrated. Last time I trusted someone — my very close personal friend Harry Styles — I foolishly believed I’d not be charged $1200 and the soul of my firstborn to see him in concert. But here we are. And for the record, I would give up my future child for him, but I draw the line at money because the economy sucks lately, if you hadn’t noticed.
The people, anyway, are desperate for sermons from their screens. There is Reddit, of course, for life advice and whatnot, but that platform is overrun with millennials, so someone has to help the youth towards not using ChatGPT for life advice, and for some reason, I was nominated for this momentous achievement. I don’t know who to thank or threaten.
Moving on to your inquiry, humble advice-seeker. There is nothing else I would rather be doing while my professors keep adding assignments that aren’t on the syllabus to their Canvas pages, than conjuring up a response to a letter from some kid whining about the life-altering decision of drinking room temperature Fireball or not.
Here’s my take, Anita: try pre-gaming during the exam to get those "Party Rock Anthem" vibes going straightaway … genius!
Listen, if the snitch beside you tells the professor to smell your water bottle, do not fret. Simply say it is alcohol from your prior exam. If the professor is somehow displeased with that answer and takes a sip of the world’s cheapest vodka in a slapdash self-conducted investigation, say you didn’t give them permission to handle your personal property.
Next, tell everyone that the professor is drunk. Take action and report them, because it is not okay to drink during school hours! This should, incontrovertibly, lead to the professor being fired and thus, to no more exams, which then naturally leads to the professor’s kids growing up with your clever scheme as their villain origin story and them eventually hunting you down during your quarter-life crisis to cancel you, get you fired, or worse, get you banned from all liquor stores in a 174km radius. However, fear not for this: you stood no chance in the job market anyways (Indeed is statistically the only platform people get ghosted on more than Tinder) and now you can start a TikTok shop business making moonshine.
So like basically, execute this plan with caution, admiring readers, because while you might be dancing to "No Hands" at a party with watered-down tequila pineapples this Friday, some kid somewhere is upping their daily protein intake to grow up ready to throw hands at you.
This is only the beginning,
Sassy Sage
