A few weeks ago, The Peak wrote a piece about something that happened a few weeks earlier. Like they kind of correctly reported, it all started at NASH, Canada’s National Student Journalism Conference on Feb. 13 to Feb. 15 which overlapped so wonderfully with Valentine’s Day because there’s nothing more romantic than rubbing elbows with our nation’s buttoned-up young professionals on the day most people dedicate to unbuttoning. However, in a very real sense, this was a long time coming in more ways than one (I forgot to respond to the article so now it’s been like a month).
Let me tell you where this beef really began. I was minding my own business, lurking r/UBC and absorbing their misery to fuel my funny reserves, like how the monsters from Monsters Inc. use the screams of children to stay alive or whatever. Suddenly, I got a LinkedIn — the virgin’s Twitter — notification saying some freak named Peak Humour Guy requested to be my connection. In the world I live in (reality), requesting someone on LinkedIn is like writing “I’M NOT FUNNY” all over your face with a big Sharpie. Requesting a fellow humour editor on LinkedIn? Now that’s messed up crazy style.
From that moment on, I knew that this guy had to go down. This shmuck, who so flippantly tried to interact with me via serious means instead of like a carrier pigeon or Xbox party chat request violated the sacred funny code that all humour editors (we are the only humour editors in the whole world and do not fact-check that) have sworn under blood oath (we pinky promised our predecessors) and the bible (my box set of signed FNAF novels) to follow.
I had a mission: to remind The Peak of the importance of being funny and committing to the bit, to bring unity and justice and shit to the Humour Editor Cinematic Kinda Lowkey Enclave (HECKLE), and support the American third amendment. So, imagine my shock when I read The Peak’s Mar. 3 piece saying their primary objective was to rid The Ubyssey of, well, me.
So. Fast forward. The Peak’s humour editor accuses me of sending Shrek memes to their phone (guilty) and not being a real journalist (also guilty). However, what really sent me off the flipping rails all Tony Hawk on the halfpipe style —
Editor’s note: she hawk on my half pipe ‘til i tony
was the claim that he could possibly ever “establish dominance over the clearly inferior humour section.” Bitch, screw you and your musty school up on your godforsaken foggy prison hill. And yeah, I know you told me you don’t think jokes about prison architecture are funny, but let me reiterate: go choke on my journalistic integrity.
Next, this guy says some shit about me becoming a sentient spaghetti monster and emerging from the microwave — 1) I wish he would become funny and 2) if anyone’s cooked around here, it’s him. He was, however, right about one thing: I famously do think that “you can’t kill humour” which is how I’ve survived seventeen and a half different assassination attempts from members of The Ubyssey’s cabinet who don’t believe that I deserve to be paid for encouraging my coworkers to shirk their duties and show up to their weekly meetings wasted or do karaoke to “Man Or Muppet” in our boardroom when we have a sCHeDuLed MeETinG with the “President” of the “University.” Girl, who cares about your meeting; it’s Muppet time.
Finally, The Peak’s jealous hateposting about me (the technical term is fan behaviour) ended in some fake resolution about The Peak’s editor and I becoming allies. I am here to speak out against any sorry misconceptions that The Peak and I will ever be allied in anything other than hating one another.
So, here’s the truth. We at Ubyssey Humour — pictured flipping you off collectively above — are highly-skilled funny guys with a nose for news who can sniff out and hunt down them there funny stories like those snitching puppies who rat me out when I try to smuggle little tiny baby edibles across the border — don’t people smuggle like actually bad stuff? Why are you confiscating my bubblegum pen? Anyways.
Here’s some evidence:
Let’s unpack this. If The Peak is the superior place of both humour and journalism, why couldn’t they find a copy of my headshot? It’s literally on the website. I’m tragically Googleable.
The point of this piece? To cook The Peak and to dispel the rumours that I am an anthropomorphic blob of spaghetti because my parents saw the article and were kind of concerned that “student journalist” is code for being on shrooms, and to assert the importance of committing to the hehe haha of it all and uh I don’t know, but let’s keep this rivalry going because those seem to get a lot of clicks especially if they’re hot off the press or heated or something to that effect.
Your move, funny guy.
