Hey bestie boos! It’s your favourite #TheUbyssey influencer coming to you live from, well, my laptop. Anyways! Do I have a treat for you! I was able to gain exclusive access to a really underground, up-and-coming trend — phenomenon, really. And let me just say I am so excited to share my honest review with you all! Today, I’ll be giving you my truest thoughts on pneumonia, the baddest, no, the realest illness to get during early December as a university student.
Let’s get into it.
Ability to Breathe
Okay ladies. First up, we’re talking about my ability to breathe with pneumonia. I’m going to rank this a solid 4/10, on account of I literally couldn’t breathe beyond a few helpless gasps every now and again. Wheezing? On lock. It’s giving musical! It’s serving harmonica in the lungs! Ate down and choked up!
Vigour of Cough
Baddies, this one is intense. Maybe it was the extreme palpitations of the chest, maybe it was the way I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of my head. Maybe it was even the way my doctor told me my cough was probably making my other organs shift inside me. Either way, this shit sucked! However, if I’m going to really rank the vigour — the intensity, the unstoppableness of my cough — I’m going to have to be honest and give it an 11/10. My lungs may not have been working but that cough sure was. Period!
Bodily Sensation
Fever, chills, girl — this pneumonia free trial had me shaking in my boots and listing off symptoms like I was in one of those dumb health commercials that nobody actually listens to. I’m going to rank the bodily sensations of pneumonia a -19/10. Why? Because I saw God 19 times.
Restfulness of Sleep
My sleep was so restful, if restfulness means not sleeping for six nights straight. I decided to help myself out by watching super soothing TV shows like Criminal Minds, because then I didn’t feel alone in my suffering. I now know the exact time that a train passes through my neighbourhood each morning (4:07 a.m.) and I learned that the furnace in my house shuts off from 5 a.m. – 7 a.m. Restfulness, then, is coming in at a 0/10.
Quality of Hallucinations
What else could I possibly want from a sleepless, fevered night other than some funky fresh hallucinations straight out of wackadoodle-ville? You got it, babes. My experience with pneumonia brought me some amazing fantasies including the unshakeable belief that witches were here to kidnap my whole family! Wow! Boots the haunted house down! But wait — there’s more!
Have you ever wanted to feel as though twenty-something fan girls wanted you dead? With pneumonia, you can unlock the absolute sheer terror and crazy good fun that comes with believing you are being hunted for sport! Maybe I can blame this one on Ticketmaster like all of my other problems!
So, #Luckygirlsyndrome — I got Sabrina Carpenter tickets. But at what cost? The cost of hallucinating being attacked by rhinestone-clad, gogo-boot-wearing baddies of all backgrounds. Nothing makes the girlypop community unite quite like my favourite blonde bombshell, and nothing makes me more terrified than believing for four hours that I was going to meet my impending doom! Rating? 8/10.
Level of Exorcism Needed
Upon reflection, my health care practitioners have told me that a symptom of pneumonia, not documented in all the fancy “medical books,” is the need for a literal exorcism. Maybe all the coughing allowed a demon to enter my throat and penetrate my heart, or maybe it was there all along. All I can say is this newfound reality is probably, like, a 2/10. Not the worst thing in my life at the moment but. It’s not up there.
So there you have it, ladies — your guide to the big disease on the block. If you get pneumonia this year, remember to use my code SQUEAKYLUNGS4EVER3PERCENTOFF when seeing your sleep paralysis demon to get 20 per cent fewer limbs on your next hallucinated creature. Toodles!
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