So you’re a first-year? So much fun! You’ll make life-long friendships and embarrassing memories that will certainly come back to haunt you at 4 a.m. 20 years from now! Life is about to get so much cooler! You’re no longer in the pits of hell called “high school” and “living at home!” Instead, you now get to pay $10,000 yearly to fester in the premium pits of hell called “university dorms.” But don’t worry, I have some foolproof tips and tricks for surviving your first year.
Bathrooms
Some bathroom rules are pretty self-explanatory. For instance, don’t get wasted and throw up in the bathroom (the bushes are preferable, obviously) and if you do throw up in the bathroom, go to a different floor so nobody recognizes you. Also, don’t blame it on your star sign — I don’t care that your moon is rising, Glenda.
This, however, is child’s play to the gravity of the absolute most important rule you must abide by when in the washroom: do not under any circumstances touch the floor with your bare feet. Think “the floor is lava” if lava were a bacteria cocktail that’s been festering for all of time. I don’t know what killed the dinosaurs, but whatever it was is living on the Vanier bathroom floors. Maybe it’s the aforementioned Capricorn’s throw up or maybe it’s engineering students’ ritual goat sacrifice remnants. Either way, there’s some crazy shit that goes on in those washrooms, so please protect your feet.
Frats
Now that you’re in uni, you’ll probably be peer-pressured into hitting up the frats. Naturally, your next thought is “let’s pregame at my dorm and listen to songs about committing various crimes!” It’s not like every university movie in the history of movies/film/the world has told you not to go to frats. Listen, I’m not going to stop you from living out your Thelma & Louise dreams with your new roomie. So, if you must get your party on, here’s how to make the most out of your night: do not under any circumstances go to a frat sober. You will immediately realize that you (willingly) are in a tiny room jam-packed with drunk, horny, sweaty strangers who wouldn’t blink twice before snitching on you for a Slim Jim.
“But,” you ask, “what if I’m the designated driver? What if I don’t drink?” No worries! I have a solution for you! Every time someone “accidentally” grabs your ass and tries to flirt with you in the “only way they know how” — offering you a roofied drink — pull out your purse and beat them to death with it!
Careful though: the hardest part of the night is making sure your narc of an RA doesn’t catch you sneaking back into the dorms at 3 a.m. Solution? Hide your best study outfit in the bushes outside Totem — this way, if you see your RA, you can quickly shapeshift into the serious studious student you most definitely are not. If they ask you why you’re studying at 3 a.m. in the bushes, just look at them, shrug and say “Math 101, am I right?” The perfect ruse to conclude your night of tomfoolery.
Dormcest
Whether you’re in Totem, Vanier or OC, first-year housing means housemates. You might find your closest friends within these people, bonding over lost key cards and commonsblock ping pong. These people may become your future bridesmaids or groomsmen… Or you might just try to avoid eye-contact while waiting in line for the washroom. To each their own.
Regardless, your floormates are now your family. And just like your family, you should never, under any circumstances, date any of them. You might be thinking “what about that cute boy Jacob who lives three doors down!” My response? That is no longer Jacob, that is now Uncle Jacob and he is strictly off limits. You wouldn’t date your uncle, so don’t date Jacob or any other floormate you may have whose name may or may not be Jacob. Don’t date them, either! (Jacob, if you’re reading this, you are my biggest regret but like I don’t even think about you at all like ever.)
Dining halls
The first week you’re eating residence food, it will be pretty good — almost as good as airplane food. But as the weeks progress it’ll get more and more obvious that it’s actually shit. (Comparable to that one time when I was 16 where I realized the “weed” I was sold was actually just oregano.) To combat this problem, you can do one of two things. Option A: eat somewhere else. Option B: develop an addiction to dining hall cookies. Those cookies kept me alive in first year. With all the ingredients of a balanced meal — one-sixth of an egg, flour, milk, baking powder, cement mixture, the tears of graduated comp-sci students still “on that job hunt grind” (it’s been 10 years) — you’ll feel energized and ready to take on the world (or at least a half-assed discussion post).
That concludes my list of totally legal, 100 per cent ethical, no-cap-no-lie-definitely-will-not-get-you-banned-from-27 states-and-2-provinces tips and tricks to surviving your first year in UBC residence. Now it’s your turn! Leave your best dorm life hacks in the comments down below and don’t forget to smash the like and subscribe buttons and if you decide to smash other buttons be sure to leave a sock on the doorknob.
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