In not-so-breaking news, a local man has reportedly had an “average day” on campus. We at The Ubyssey were oh-so-lucky enough to sit down and chat with him about this incredibly relevant chain of events that people should definitely hear about and which we should definitely be reporting on. Oh, yeah, and we also gave him anonymity because he claimed his reputation could be damaged if we published his identity. When asked “What reputation?,” he said he once “got 200 upvotes on r/ubc.” So, like, good enough for us.
Could you describe your day for us?
Yeah, it was pretty average I guess. I woke up, got dressed, I had clean clothes and a roof over my head and my roommates were being chill. I had non-expired food in the fridge, and it was, like, not too cold and not too hot outside and it wasn’t raining either so I walked to the bus and the bus came on time and my U-Pass worked and I went to my job that pays a bit above minimum wage and got there a couple minutes early. Then, well, nothing happened. So I went for a walk and I went home.
But that didn’t feel right, did it?
No, I’m so glad you asked. It didn’t feel right. I’m pretty well known on r/ubc. I’m a bit of a public figure. I wouldn’t call myself an influencer but I definitely have influence, if you know what I mean. The people, they demand a presence from me. So on days like this, where nothing goes wrong, it’s just really difficult to meet the demand for negativity.
That sounds hard.
It is hard. I even asked ChatGPT for a list of things I could complain about, but then it cited my old posts as its examples? I thought AI was supposed to give you completely original ideas! It’s like, when I have an average day everything is harder. Everything is worse when I don’t have anything to complain about because then I have to actively come up with things to complain about!
What was your solution?
I tried this new thing. This really, really hard thing. I think people call it “creative writing?” But I prefer to call it “re-mixing on paper.” It’s this exercise where you sit down and you lie to people for their entertainment.
And how did that play out for you?
Oh boy, they ate it up! My fans loved that fake stuff. I got so many clicks, dude. My day went from so-so to great in a matter of mere moments. When I see those comments roll in, it’s like hearing “I love you” through the screen. Except they’re saying “downvote" and “get a life.” You just have to read between the lines a bit, you know what I mean?
I do know what you mean, Local Man. Thank you for being so honest and expressing your feelings. Would you say you would like to have average days more often, then?
No, no, no, that’s too hard. I can only come up with so much original content. I’d rather just complain about shit and call it a day.
– Editor’s Note: Me too, Local Man. Me too.
