Halloween is just around the corner, and so are midterms. If you’re too busy studying to come up with your plans for the spookiest night of year, don’t fret, your local ghoul’s got you covered.
Let’s get one thing straight: Halloween is for all (except that malicious ghost constantly trying to knock over my lamp. It wasn’t funny the first time, and now I have a broken lamp). So follow along as I get into what each faculty should do for a memorable Halloween.
Land and Food Systems
This is the one time of year when people actually care about agriculture — I support you, I’ve logged over a hundred hours on Stardew Valley this October alone. If you want to feel important, grow some pumpkins.
What are pumpkins useful for? Wearing it carved on your head as you scare helpless children. Throwing it at people and watching it smash. Celebrating your friend’s birthday with a pumpkin, because turns out, it was really cake. Carrying your hollowed out pumpkin as an autumn accessory, consider it gourd chic — your items are bound to be slimy.
Education
This time of year, I expect you all to have the coolest costumes (here’s some ideas: The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Ms. Frizzle, a pencil). However, costumes are one thing, actions are another. Your ideal plans should be learning the “Thriller” dance, like we all have. Okay, maybe not all of us. Some of us have a crippling fear of zombies. Did I ever learn the "Thriller" dance? No, because I stay away from zombies whenever I can — couldn’t even watch my husband Pedro Pascal in his zombie show.
But this is thriller… thriller night.
Connection is important; host a flash mob with your students.
Dentistry
Dear dentistry, I am sorry that I have not rebooked my dentist appointment. I am paranoid that my cavity free record will be tarnished because of all the sour cherry blasters I consume. But I will.
I worry about you all this Halloween season. The looming threat of sugar… creeping into children’s teeth… corrupting that pearly enamel... sends shivers down your spine, I’m sure. So, I propose for you: this Halloween, try not to think about all the work you’ll have to do come November. Stay in. Put on a movie or a guided meditation. And if you’re going to partake in the festivities, don’t be that lame house who gives out toothbrushes — at that point, just give cash.
Music
When I think of Halloween music many classics come to mind. It’s only natural that you’re gonna want to host a spooky music listening sesh.
You could go classic with the Scooby Doo theme song or opt for something more cinematic with a Halloween Town rewatch. My personal favourite is “Calling all the Monsters” by China Anne McClain. If you’ve never heard of this song, it’s a lyrical masterpiece and I feel immense sorrow for you and your lack of culture.
My one crucial piece of advice? Do whatever you can to avoid the “Monster Mash.” It’s a bad song. I don’t want to hear it. He did the mash, he did the shut up. You’re the music major — why don’t you create a new Halloween anthem? I’m sure it will top the charts and knock “Monster Mash” off its stupid pedestal.
Business
Now, I’m not sure how locked in you are on your ambitions this October, but I’ve got a genius money making plan for you. All the big businesses see their profits rise in October. Why? Candy. It’s just capitalism. Stock market. Growth. Equity. Mutual fund.
In short, I know business, I know the job market and it’s obviously a great time to get a co-op position. How do you think the game Candyland got greenlight? It influences consumers to eat more candy — more candy = more profit. Take a poll: what candy is the best? Acquire said candy and trade it for full-size — it’s all a system people, you just need to know how to game it. Enjoy your Halloween, eyes glued to your wager on the stock market while nervously eating M&Ms.
Kinesiology
Halloween involves a lot of physical activity. Maybe you’re grabbing chocolate bars, maybe you’re eating them? Huge day for movement. Major arm workout. Maybe you’re speed-walking across campus at night because you’re convinced there’s a shadowy figure following you after your friend convinced you to watch that horror movie you never, ever wanted to see... Another great way to get your fitness on.
This Halloween, post up in a haunted house. Then, pop out and scare people — this is a great way to get hearts pumping. If you really want to commit to the workout grind, try chasing people through the house.
Forestry
You’d think the natural answer here is “frolic in the woods.” Though that sounds fun, frolicking is a fall activity, not for the spookest night of the year. My suggestion, then, is to carve a pumpkin and wait until the clock strikes midnight.
Slowly creep through the woods by Totem Park as you hold your pumpkin. Watch its flickering candlelight illuminate. Scare the shit out of any first years you encounter.
Engineering
As campus’ resident constructors, I best be seeing the scariest decorations possible. I’m talking about a house that’s too scary to approach because some creepy animatronics are eyeing my bag of candy, type of scary. Like, I’m five years old and my father is standing behind me telling me to approach the door but I physically cannot because I am absolutely paralyzed in sheer terror levels of frightening.
Specifically, I’m thinking you should take it upon yourselves to build a maze. Put that degree to good use by bringing us something scary and intellectually stimulating. Consider referring to the myth of the labyrinth as inspiration. Once built, attempt to get out. If you’ve failed at replicating the inescapableness of the Minotaur’s labyrinth, you’ve still built a really sick maze. If you’ve succeeded, however, you have a really good excuse for missing your midterms. I guess snacking on corn is your only sustenance now.
Arts
Why worry about your problems when you can worry about the afterlife? If you’re scared of dying (skill issue) then help someone cross the veil into the great beyond. Gather your best ghost hunting gear and get ready to make a positive and peaceful impact on some wandering soul’s lives. Bonus points if you help them handle their unfinished business. Halloween isn’t just about haunting and debauchery, you know… have a little wholesome fun! If it gets a little too spooky, make sure to pack ghost protection tools (rock salt, a pumpkin head). If you meet an uncooperative (evil) ghost your best bet is to scare them back. Ghosts hate light, so when in doubt steal your wannabe-influencer roommate’s ring light, shine it on them and poof, gone.
Science
Spooky season leads to spooky inventions. My favourite scientist, Dr. Frankenstein, once did the impossible when he re-animated the hodgepodge of body parts known as his monster. Of course, if you’re a science student, his level of ambition is one you should aspire to match.
Inspired by his infamy, the 31st is the perfect time for you to become a mad scientist; it’s in your blood (or at least your degree)...
Fine Arts
My creative ghouls, first of all, your Halloween costumes are bound to be amazing. I’m talking about a fully functioning Freddy Fazbear, a completely period-piece Marie Antoinette inspired ball gown, or a real life pumpkin man.
Your Halloween plans will be the most spooky but also the most fun. Picture this: a midnight seance in your local graveyard. Carry your vintage candles and crystal collection to a patch of moonlit moss amidst crypts and gravestones, then try to contact the spirits. I suggest summoning someone who would be chill, like my boy, Hieronymus Bosch. Try not to talk about demons, he has a bit of a fear of being sent to hell, but like same brother.
Medicine
Finally, my med ghoulies. You don’t need to save lives tonight. You just need to have fun. If you have way too much homework (which I assume you will), try to get some hands-on study experience.
If you want to be a doctor, then you must emulate the late Leonardo Da Vinci and steal “procure in less-than aboveboard methods” some dead bodies. Please be reminded that if you get caught, the consequences are a lot of years in prison and an inescapable stain on your soul and character, consequences which your spooky ghoul friend (me) is totally not liable for.
All faculties
Please be extra careful you’ve not invited any unwanted spirits into your home — that also includes friends who disobey the “Take One” candy sign.
Have a Happy Halloween!
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