You know what the scariest part about October is? It’s not Michael Myers or Ghost Face showing up on your doorstep — it’s running into your failed situationship on campus. You know, the sorry excuse for a human being that subjected you to six months of Sahara-Desert-dry games of 20 questions and 182 automated “wyd” texts at 1:07 a.m. To prevent the very sight of them sending shivers of revulsion down your spine, you are going to have to come up with a plan to counter these sporadic on-campus visual assaults (seeing them in line at the bookstore Starbucks).
But fear not: I have created a comprehensive guide on how to ghost your failed situationship on campus, and I’ll walk you through every step. (Plus, if all else fails, I will turn them into a ghost for you *winks.*)
The first thing you don’t want to do is make eye contact with them. To lessen the chances of that, purchase a UBC cherry blossom hoodie from the bookstore and wear it around campus; you will blend right in with all the other UBC students and their mothers who wander around haunting all of Metro Vancouver with school merch. In short, you’ll be barely noticeable — one with the other soulless spirits floating on campus.
Next, every time you walk to your morning lecture, slip a little bit of dirt underneath the concrete pathways. You’re probably thinking, “How would I even have the strength to flip over concrete? What?” My response is to think about the time your ex-situationship dug up your dead hamster and ate him because they needed to hit their post-workout protein goals, and then harness all that unbridled rage. Eventually you’ll have accumulated enough dirt underneath your regular routes that the pathways will elevate you above your ex, so that you’re taking the high road both figuratively (not ranting about them on r/UBC) and literally.
Now that you’re out of sight, you might not exactly be out of mind. Set their sights on someone new… or summon an army of the undead to clobber them. Casually walk into the CSSS and “accidentally” let it slip that [redacted], who lives in [redacted], whose email/phone number is [redacted] is a recruiter sauntering around UBC scouting out prospective interns. Watch all the bloodshot eyes of soulless internship-hungry students stack themselves on top of your ex-situationship until they are smothered into a lifeless corpse.
Here’s a final step to guarantee your paths never cross: if you are not already an engineering student, apply for a dual degree in applied sciences and join a design team. With hardly any time to see the sun, you will never see another soul ever again, let alone your ex-situationship (unless they are a burglar and they break into your dorm or something). Now that people will not be seeing you for the next four to five years, forget “ghosting” — everyone will instead assume you’ve truly become a ghost. And hey, when you’re an engineer, there are things a lot scarier than failed Hinge dates past. Your physics midterm will surely kill you before the eyesore sight of your ex-situationship.
If you are truly out of options (they are, in fact, a burglar), this step is your last resort: hypnotize your past low-commitment, totally casual, grey area fling with chocolate chip cookies from Blue Chip. Simply sprinkle cookie crumbs in front of one of their usual haunts in a trail ending at Place Vanier’s basements (A.K.A. jail). Now comes the easy part: kick them in and lock them up. Do not underestimate the power of what a year in Vanier basements can do to a person; your ex-situationship will be stuck sitting with the carcasses of dead insects behind ominously barred windows until they gradually begin to perish. Let’s just say that after enough time there, you’ll never have to worry about running into them on campus any longer. Successfully ghosted.
(PS if you ever need me to finish the job for you, I’ll be standing by with a shovel.)
First online
Share this article
Submit a complaint Report a correction
