This article mentions eating disorders and self-harm.
What is the right way to lose your virginity?
For some people, it’s with a high school boyfriend in the back of his Honda Civic. For others, it’s with a stranger you met in college, or even on your wedding night with your new spouse.
Regardless of what you believe the ‘right’ way to have sex for the first time is, there is a particular form of media that thinks they’ve got it down: teen drama shows. I’m talking Gossip Girl, Glee and One Tree Hill, the type of shows with 40-minute episodes and plots you need a chart to remember. While all of these shows include at least one character losing their virginity, the difference between them is how having sex for the first time is portrayed.
Starting in 2007, Gossip Girl is a classic. From cheating scandals to drug dealing, Gossip Girl has all of the ingredients to craft a perfect storm, one where high schoolers act more like 20-somethings and money can’t buy happiness. Two characters lose their virginities in the show: the fabulous Blair who craves the perfect life, and Jenny, the rebellious teen.
Jenny and Blair have shockingly similar experiences when it comes to losing their virginity — they are both waiting for the ‘perfect guy’ and to have an unforgettable experience. Ultimately, they both have sex for the first time drunk with someone they don’t really care about (ironically, with the same guy). Despite the experience of actually having sex going okay, they both regret their choices afterward — Jenny leaves town and Blair ends things with her boyfriend. Losing their virginities meant facing consequences and losing something else in their lives.
Everyone’s all time favorite musical drama show, Glee, followed in 2009. The show follows the story of a high school’s glee club where cheerleaders, football players, nerds and outcasts all come together in musical harmony.
In the episode “The First Time,” two couples have sex for the first time — Rachel and Finn in parallel with Kurt and Blaine. Following a performance of West Side Story, the couples each face their own issues before having sex: Rachel wants to use the experience to further her acting career and Blaine wants to get it over with in the back seat of a cab. Their other halves refuse, as they want their first times to feel special. After some teary-eyed apologies, they complete the act while “One Hand, One Heart” plays in the background. Rachel even notes to Finn she is going to “give [him] something no one else can ever get” before they kiss in front of a fireplace.
Both shows focus mainly on expectations surrounding virginity. Blair, Jenny, Blaine, Kurt, Rachel and Finn are all looking for that ‘perfect night’ where they make love surrounded by candles with the person they want to marry one day. In Glee, the characters get this experience, but Blair and Jenny unfortunately do not. What makes or breaks their first times is who it is with, and when Jenny and Blair do it with someone they aren’t in love with, their experiences are essentially ruined.
This emphasis on expectations is harmful to young people who are nervous about having sex for the first time. It teaches that if you don’t find that ‘perfect person,’ you shouldn’t have sex as it will be an unpleasant experience, which doesn’t have to be the case.
As we get further into the 2000s, shows have begun to change how they display losing your virginity. The show Sex Education premiered in 2019, and as the title suggests, it is a lot more educational in regards to teen sex. The main character, Otis, struggles with having sex due to trauma from his childhood. Despite his mother being a sex therapist, he faces panic attacks when attempting to be intimate although it is something he wants to do. Otis loses his virginity with popular girl Ruby while he is drunk and wakes up not fully remembering the experience or being able to find the condom. Regardless of his embarrassment, Otis takes Ruby to buy the morning-after pill and they have a discussion about the encounter, ending with them both feeling at ease.
In contrast to Gossip Girl, Otis’s experience losing his virginity to someone he isn’t in a relationship with doesn’t end in tears and regret. Instead, he accepts the situation as it is and tries his best to follow what he knows to be the right way to deal with Ruby’s potential pregnancy. It may not have been the way Otis wanted to lose his virginity, but it shows viewers that even if you make a ‘mistake,’ there are ways to cope with those feelings and still have it be a positive experience, despite any expectations possibly being missed.
Finally, the 2022 show Heartstopper follows the story of Nick and Charlie, two highschoolers who fall in love and navigate their relationship. Charlie is hesitant to have sex with Nick for the first time due to negative feelings about his body caused by self-harm and an eating disorder. He explains this to Nick, and after talking through some of Charlie’s insecurities, the boys share a romantic evening with each other, culminating in Charlie trusting Nick enough to fully open up to him. They then lose their virginities to each other in Nick’s bedroom. This scene is the final one of season three, and although the next season isn’t out yet, it is safe to assume the interaction was well received by both of them.
Both Heartstopper and Sex Education show realistic and relevant issues that teens face and how that can interact with sex and virginity. As opposed to the dramatics of Glee and Gossip Girl, these characters are more concerned with making each other feel comfortable and practicing safe sex rather than having ‘the perfect night.’ The couples face obstacles, but they work through them, rather than fighting about how the other feels.
All in all, I do think all these shows have their benefits. If someone wants to have that perfect evening with their partner, there is nothing wrong with that. But I do think that for TV, it is more important to convey realistic expectations rather than one’s greatest fantasy. TV has a strong influence on viewers, and when your favorite character shows it’s okay to be awkward or say the wrong thing, it is evident that what truly matters is feeling safe and comfortable. After all, there is no ‘right way’ to lose your virginity, just the right way for you.
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