I know my mom hates free speech because every time I call her a terrorist she looks sad

Dictionary.com defines a terrorist as someone “who uses unlawful violence and intimidation in pursuit of political aims.” My mom repeatedly shakes me whenever my alarm goes off and I don’t wake up. She would threaten to ground me whenever I come home inebriated and barely coherent. She says she’d stop paying for my phone if I kept using it to proposition Alex Jones for sex. Does that not constitute “unlawful violence and intimidation”?

It broke my heart to have to call her a terrorist to her face over and over again for weeks on end, but someone had to.

It’s partially my fault — I should have seen this signs. She’s been binge-watching Ellen. She’s reading BuzzFeed. She saw Moonlight and Hidden Figures (but not American Sniper).

If you ask me, my mom is  the real ISIS. She has hijacked language and freedom of expression in the vain pursuit of “my personal safety and well-being.” Well I’ve had enough. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy. Now if you’ll excuse me, she is five minutes late with my Hot Pockets.