The inexplicable phenomenon of recent graduates claiming to have actually learnt something at university

A known normative consequence of entering university is that often students who undergo the long and tedious process of ‘learning’ graduate. It’s not simply a ceremonial occurrence of with donning the usual cap and gown and handing out glorified rolls of paper — although this does get points on Instagram — but the handing out of glorious rolls of paper without which many would not be permitted to partake in our beloved capitalist economy. While graduation is something most prospective students anticipate, fewer wander into their university lives as delusional and naïve as individuals who expect to actually learn things.

But, in a shocking turn of events, recent pre-graduation polls have shown that students might actually, somehow, be satisfied with the ‘education’ part of their degrees.

Corroborated by exit polling from November graduations at UBC, it seems as if students who started university imagining it to be a purely transactional event — where the university acquires tens of thousands of dollars from individual students and claims a good four to five years of the student’s life in return for a stamp and a certificate — are now claiming that their education is actually worth something.

This has been found to be true across all faculties at the university.

Arts students in the past have been notorious for suggesting the ‘value’ of sitting in classes with professors who have dedicated their entire lives to their fields. However, any unpaid intern at a psych lab can tell you that arts students are just overcompensating for the stamps on their diplomas not amounting to very much financially

Researchers are now looking for grants to explore this novel and sociologically and logically counterintuitive phenomenon. One student interviewed even went as far as to say that she felt “enlightened and ready to take on the world” through her esteemed education in the Solder School of Startups.