In the digital age, reading has become so hard to do (not for us though, y’all stay safe). You’re telling us that we have to pick up a book, open it, flip the pages and read? What the fuck?
What do I do if I want to get a little creeped out, but I can barely lift a Stephen King book, let alone read it?
“Why not just go to a horror movie?” Newsflash, asshole: I got disenrolled from the film studies program — not because I don’t have a Tarantin-toe foot fetish, but because the last time I had to watch a scary movie for class (Home Alone 2: Lost in New York), I jumped so hard at the first jump scare (Macaulay Macaulay Culkin Culkin appearing on screen) that I punched the person next to me and then myself. #Fail.
If you’re looking to microdose on getting scared and on reading, we’ve written some two-sentence horror (à la our buds at Reddit — but click that link at your own risk). But beware: these stories may make you so scared, you’ll go crying to your RA and everyone will make fun of you because you’re 21 and afraid of a guy in a bow-tie (Santa Ono isn’t real, he can’t hurt you).
Because some of you 50-credit course load engineering students apparently don’t know the meaning of fear, we have also included handy artist statements to explain why each of these spine-chilling short stories should haunt your dreams.
Disclaimer: The Ubyssey is not responsible if you shit yourself because these stories are too scary. If this is a common occurrence, you might want to find a good dry cleaner. I hope you’re good, bro.
I was 45 minutes into my POLI tutorial, eager to leave.
“To play Devil’s Advocate...” said the frat bro beside me.
Why is this scary?: It’s a horrifying and relatable situation… and The Devil is the scariest guy of all time! If he showed up in your tutorial you’d be a goner! We’re quaking and crossing ourselves just thinking about it. With his polo shirt and boat shoes, he just had to do it to ‘em. And by ‘it,’ we mean play Devil’s Advocate and by ‘em,’ we mean YOU and your tutorial.
I was all alone in the bathroom of Buchanan D at 7 a.m. filming a BTS TikTok.
Then I heard the toilet flush.
Why is this scary?: We’ve all been there — either as the Jimin impersonator, or as the guy on the toilet. We’ve spared you the gory details in this two-sentence tale, but we all know how it ends: Either with the TikToker expiring from shock on the spot or with the bystander’s body found in the UBC tunnels for the crime of accidentally witnessing an intimate moment that was meant to stay between a K-pop influencer and their 20,000 fans. Also, Buchanan D is just scary. But what’s even scarier is that people actually use those washrooms.
Voter? I hardly know her!
I voted in AMS Elections.
But I had to do it again because the ballot didn’t let me rank my choices.
Why is this scary?: This NON-FICTION tale is terrifying because it’s a threat to our democracy. It’s also scary because it happened in real life, at our very own university… many times. We haven’t voted in an election where the ballot wasn’t fucked up, have you?
You could make a killing…
The summer section of ECON 101 was full, but I needed it for my prestigious Bachelors of International Economics (BIE) degree.
The waitlist became a hit list.
Why is this scary?: You might be next. Why do you think the BIE acceptance rate is only 4 per cent? (Hint: THEY KILL THE OTHER 96!)
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to firstname.lastname@example.org.