The Dingbat: UBC ecology study finds biodiversity less important than making sure ‘every mosquito burns in hell’

Previously, scientific consensus established mosquitos served an important function in the ecosystem, to pollinate plants and to feed the upper tiers of the food chain. However, shocking new evidence published in Scholarly Conversations on Repelling Insect Conservation and Habitat (SCR-ITCH) by Canada Research Chair in Biodiversity and UBC gnat sciences professor, Dr. Gabe Lin-Mode, revealed this to be false.

“Mosquitoes serve literally no ecological purpose other than to make my life miserable,” said Lin-Mode in an interview, itching furiously. “The data is clear.”

He cited figures in the article, including high-resolution photographs of 15 swollen mosquito bites — which he also began unbuttoning his shirt to display in person — accompanied by a graph of “itchies per hour” (known as IPH in the scientific community).

The article’s recommendations for how to eliminate mosquitoes from UBC include using tuition hike funds to create a new executive role, the very first VP hitman, to personally track down and kill each mosquito and their loved ones.

“If all that UBC is going to do about students clearly sharing answers during my online exams is give them a slap on the wrist, might as well slap any mosquitos that might be resting there,” he said. “Ever since school went online in March 2020, a couple cheaters have been flattening the wrong curve.”

He also suggested introducing insect repellant into the water supply, although he acknowledges this may be a “deet-saster.” Yet, he recommends it as a possibility to eliminate bloodsuckers at all costs.

This represents a complete reversal of the chair’s previous research, which upheld the importance of all species great and small to the thriving ecosystems we call home. Although the rest of the lab is baffled by what Lin-Mode terms his “2022 switcheroo,” they have embraced the new research direction wholeheartedly.

“Fuck them insects,” said atmospheric science department vape cloud research fellow, Mira “Off” Therecord. “We’re entering a mass extinction event, and I think the worst critters should die first — and that includes my sucky mansquito of an ex-boyfriend, Michael.”

The change of direction has put Lin-Mode’s graduate student research assistant Juno Kangaroo’s entire career at stake, but she is taking it in stride.

“My last ecology postdoc was taking funding from Exxon to publish stuff about how liquefied natural gas pipelines are good for grizzly bears because heavy metal contaminants in the water make their fur easy, breezy and beautiful,” said Kangaroo. “I respect that [Lin-Mode] is endorsing extinction purely because of his own discomfort, instead of by the demands of corporate funders!”

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