Folks! The new generation is here. It is therefore our god-given duty to pass off that upper year “I-don’t give-a-$hit-wizdom” and inform them on how to cheat the system.
That’s right. My friends, today we gather to discuss the new UBC dining hall meal plan. So, you're welcome for these wonderful, 100 per cent foolproof ideas of how to sneak you and all of your lovely little friends into the dining halls.
Engineers
The first and most obvious one is to get your subscription-based supply of engineering friends… whoops, I mean engineering student friends. Only God and Santa Ono know how many of those you can get at UBC. (Well... until Santa left us for Michigan. MICHIGAN! The state whose only redeeming quality is the 21-season long reality-vet show The Incredible Dr. Pol that composed my childhood entertainment.)
Anywhoo... Engineering students can probably think of some cool “five staged design cycle” based solution to get you in the dining hall, like making exact replicas of your enemies’ student cards.
And if they can’t? Well, engineers are so big-brained, and therefore bigheaded (that’s how biology works, right?), that you can just drape yourself over their heads like a hat as they walk in for a 4 p.m. lunch break.
Manifest Matrix reflexes
Honestly let’s just scrap this whole idea right now. I was going to say that you can just Keanu Reeves backflip your way into the dining hall but let's be real. NO ONE can ever be Keanu Reeves. Not even Neo from The Matrix.
Drones and/or parachutes and/or flying things
If Open Kitchen is going to be naive enough to think they can contain us by line-ups and the laws of gravity, then it is only natural to find alternative methods. Not to mention their perfectly convenient architecture of having a bridge over the main eating area.
It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s super (cheap) students who had nothing better to do than make a paraglider out of worksheets from the ghosts of econ past. That’s right. We are going to fly. Parachutes? Drones?
Helicopters? Why limit it to one? Gorilla glue that bad boy together and boom, take a leap of faith straight into the open arms of Open Kitchen.
Perhaps your inevitable concussion from the fall will inspire you with other flyingly great ideas.
A schoolwide heist
“Give them bread and circuses and they will never revolt” is what Roman poet Juvenal stated.
UBC, I don’t see you giving us bread nor circuses (unless you count Wreck Beach as a circus... in that case, ew. Gross). So obviously we are practicing our rights to Storm the Wall UBC dining halls all at once. Those card swipe machines don’t stand a chance against all 60,000 of us.
Blanket
Finally, but by far the most realistic of all the suggestions is to go simple. Put on your best floor toned gray blanket, drop to the floor and centipede crawl your way past the unsuspecting card swipe workers. Channel all of your inner five-year-old who snuck into the laundry basket under a blanket to take a nap.
See? What did I tell you? Foolproof.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pitches to blog@ubyssey.ca.