You’re lonely. I’m lonely. And that’s completely okay.
Sure, after being dumped by my girlfriend when she saw ‘me’ on the ‘Are dating the same guy’ Facebook page, I cried for 10 days straight, ate nothing but ice cream for 3 months and listened to Mitski on repeat for a year. (Don’t judge me, I never cheated on her, I swear she confused me for another generic white boy with incredibly conditioned hair and Blundstones!)
I’m fine. You’re not fine? I’m fine. I’m very fine. I’m finer. I’m fine I’m fine fine I’m fine I’m fine–
February was a month of onstant reminders of a) how incredibly non-lonely everyone is and b) how depressing it is that more people wear pink on Valentine’s than on Pink Shirt Day.
It sucked. So here is the minute-by-minute schedule that used to avoid seeing love. Because as only us singles are privileged to know, love is disgusting.
6–8 a.m.
I know it’s early, but you must prepare for the apocalypse before anyone wakes up! Fill up enough water to last you 36 hours (to be on the safe side in case everyone decides to extend their romance to more than a day) and move all your snacks into your room.
8–8:05 a.m.
By now you probably have to pee. Scream “I HAVE TO PEE,” so that all 5 of your roommates and their partners can hear you, thereby ensuring they clear the way and hide from your romance-loathing eyes. This way you can run to the communal washroom and pee without having to see any couples in love or whatever couples do these days.
8:05–10:30 a.m.
Do your computer science homework. Pretty everything about this course is okay in terms of romance (Hint: There will be zero.). Just make sure not to study graph theory or you may be reminded of how little people there are in your life.
10:30 a.m.–12:00 p.m.
Exercise. Tears and sweat look the same.
12:00–1:00 p.m.
Eat the McDonalds you got delivered to you despite the closest one being less than 800 m away. I know their portions can be a bit small and after all that crying — I mean, exercising — you’ve worked up quite an appetite. Even though you can use a trusty two-can dine coupon for yourself, don’t. Anything that comes in two's is banned for this day.
1:00–1:07 p.m.
By now you probably need to number two— erm I mean use the toilet. Same drill. Scream “I NEED TO SHIT!!!” and enjoy!
1:07–2:23 p.m.
Do your ecology homework until you realize that even snow geese mate for life and pistol shrimps form alliances with goby fish.
2:23–4:06 p.m.
Stress eat through your snacks.
4:06–5:01 p.m.
Cry.
5:01–5:02 p.m.
Stop.
5:02–6:58 p.m.
Do math homework. Better.
6:58–7:00 p.m.
Realize that homework, binge eating and crying is exhausting. Also realize that you have no more food.
7:00–7:24 p.m.
Blindfold yourself and walk to the least romantic restaurant you can think of – Feast in Totem Park.
7:24–10:00 p.m.
Stay there until closing to get the bang out of your $20 entrance fee. Remain blindfolded and listen to music on your noise canceling headphones. I know, most songs are about love, but the key is to listen to music in a language you do not understand. Obviously avoid all the romance languages and honestly, even mando-pop sounds too romantic. Try angry Australian feminism punk.
Ending the day strong.
So there you have it. With this, you are guaranteed to avoid every lovey-dovey couple on Valentine's Day. Or if this schedule is too much work for you, you can always just pull an all-nighter and then sleep for the big day. Or numb the pain with the neverending pile of assignments. Sleep or stress, it is up to you.
Just know that whatever you pick, it will be better than romance.
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey's humour section. Send pitches and completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca.