Just yesterday, The Dingbat procured a first draft of a UBC Broadcast announcement that had been heavily edited by UBC Media Relations. It is unclear who the original writer was, but they were almost certainly drunk. Redacted or edited comments are indicated in [brackets].
[Insert date]
COVID-19 — Update on Winter Session
To all our [favourite losers] students, faculty and staff,
[We boutta do it again] Today, we are confirming that UBC has made the decision to continue to deliver [PowerPoints on Skype] online instruction until [eternity][just kidding lol insert date here].
Despite Provincial Health [Scapegoat] Officer Bonnie Henry’s insistence on the province’s [reckless charge into the abyss] transition back into in-person settings for businesses and schools, we have listened to the community’s [justified-yet-annoying whingeing and moaning] concerns about the Omicron variant and decided that it would be in the best interest of public health to remain online.
[Every other school is going back in person, so we’re actually being the safe ones for once, how ya like that? We got sick of you guys yelling at us about figuring out a vaccine mandate, so we just felt like this would be easier. We’ll extend online classes forever and ever and ever, I don’t know what you want from me.]
This decision was made in consultation with [millionaires] the Deans on both campuses, [nerds] academic heads and directors, [kiss-asses] student leadership, union groups and associations. Faculties and academic units will [be left to their own devices] provide further details on what this means for specific programs and courses.
We will continue to assess the situation from the perspective of our students, faculty and staff, and during sometime in the future [idk man, late March?] we will provide a further update regarding our full return to in-person teaching and learning. [Keep an eye out for our decision on May graduation ceremonies, too. You’re gonna love it.]
We hear your concerns about tuition costs remaining the same despite a lesser quality of education, [but this ship’s full steam ahead babyyyyy] and we are engaging with student and community leaders as we navigate this uncertain time [over Zoom, from our mansions] as an academic community.
We remain committed to the full return to in-person teaching and learning, and will provide further updates as soon as we can. In the meantime, we would like to thank all our students, faculty and staff for [sweating from every possible pore] responding quickly to facilitate this shift in educational delivery, in order to support UBC’s academic mission.
In the meantime, contribute to our collaborative Spotify playlist, to remind everyone that we’re all humans in this together. [Tuum really is est.]
Namaste,
Santa J. Ono, [Fall Guy] President and Vice-Chancellor
Lesley Cormack, [Who?] Deputy Vice-Chancellor and Principal, UBC Okanagan
The Dingbat is The Ubyssey’s humour section. You can send pitches or completed pieces to blog@ubyssey.ca. I cannot stress that enough. The Dingbat is pro-health and safety.