After sitting through the AMS presidential debate on Monday, I'm certain that UBC students only need to know one thing before they vote in the upcoming election — the answers of presidential candidates to AMS elections administrator Max Holmes’ question:
“If you were an alcoholic beverage, which drink would you be?”
“T-Bird lager. We are all Thunderbirds.” —James Cohen
The founder of the student-run non-profit, Party Well, is set on bringing his event planning experience into the student administration to tackle the main issue affecting UBC — the AMS Block Party, the only time of year when you actually drink T-Bird lager because you literally have no other choice. Crowd-pleasing rhetoric streamed from Cohen as he addressed debate questions with thorough articulation and rhythmic hand gestures. And much like T-Bird lager is actually Budweiser, James Cohen is actually Dave Franco.
“I am still Crown [Royal] because you can enjoy it at any time of the day.” —Sugar Brewer
When Sugar Brewer first walked into my eyes and heart, I imagined a caravan of reveling bards following after him. Three buttons undone, cascading hair and a voice like hot buttered yams remind me of the free-loving UBC I once knew. He spoke thoughtfully from a relaxed position, begging the question of why he was at the debate and not teaching the deaf to sing. I’m sorry, what were we talking about?
“Peach growers — I don’t want to sound too fruity, but I do enjoy that drink.” —Jesse Hooton
Always a good idea to answer with a joke that eases right up to the line of homophobia. Growers is the cheapest cider at BCL, and is consumed by two of our presidential hopefuls. Hooton seems like a nice guy with a serious case of foot-in-mouth disease:
- On Indigenous rights: “My whole life, my dad worked as a forester and as a result, I spent a lot of time around reserves. I am quite aware of the struggles that are faced on the reserves and the problems that they face.”
- On sexual assault: “I believe at night-time is when people are most vulnerable and when it is the biggest problem. Otherwise, when it's light out, it's harder to attack the issue.” (Like Cohen and Brewer, he couldn’t answer an extremely straightforward question about UBC’s sexual assault policy.)
Also, Hooton says his bike was stolen, and he is really upset about it and he wants you to know that.
“Extra dry apple is barely even a flavour and is absolute garbage… I would mix peach and cherry Growers.” —Julian “The Hooligan” Del Balso
This is the other guy drinking Growers. You'll notice him enter the party tastefully adorned with a 2L taped to each hand — peach in one hand, cherry on the other. Everything is a party to this guy or so it seems until you get pulled aside for a late-night heart-to-heart.
That's when ol' 40-hands surprises you with a real truth — you deserve better (candidates for AMS president). As you wake up a few hours later to a distant, rhythmic chanting, you peer out the window and can just make out a nude Del Balso silhouette sprinting down your street, screaming, “Block Party 2017!”
Congratulations, you are now an informed voter.