Girlbossmopolitan: Please god, everybody on campus, stop looking like my ex

Breakups are hard. And I have made every effort to move on. I diligently unfollowed her on social media. I proactively purged triggering household items, even the ones I really liked. I have seen my ability to navigate Vancouver reach new heights as I avoid seven high-risk-I-may-potentially-see-her-on-this-bus bus routes.

But, please god, everybody on campus, stop looking like my ex.

Constantly trying to look strong, busy, attractive and unfazed on campus is really tiring. Give me a break, and please stop looking like my ex!

Why are you in Buchanan Eh — a building she, a woman in STEM, would never, ever, not in a million years, go into — but still you choose to stand how I think she used to stand? Who are you? And how come you all wear Blandstones, just like her? How come literally everyone wears Blandstones here? I can’t even reliably scan the bottoms of the bathroom stalls to know if it’s safe to pee anymore! So it would be really helpful if you didn’t wear Blandstones and also, everybody please consider reevaluating how you stand, because you’re standing like my ex.

I’d also really like to ask: how come you all got mullets? You really did that. She was the only one on campus with a mullet before we broke up and now you all went and got mullets. Was it being trapped inside by a global pandemic, boredom and scissors that spurred this decision, or do you all just hate me? I am thinking it can only be the latter. Please reevaluate your mullet situation as soon as possible. This would be for your sake too, not just mine.

Furthermore, I’ve been thinking a lot, and there used to be diversity in height on this campus. Tall people, short people and people. But, how come everyone is now as tall as how tall I’m pretty sure my ex was? I think my ex was 5’6''. So, how come my ex now comes in all shapes and sizes? I saw a very tall 6’3'' version of her last week. The height made me doubt at first, but then the stranger’s scarf made me doubt my doubt. Then my doubt about my doubt had me doubting my doubt. So please god, everybody on campus, throw out all your scarves please right now and please stop looking like my ex!

I would also really appreciate it if you could please not frequent the spots that I go to cry on campus. If you look like my ex, please don’t frequent these places. I cry in the Nitobe Garden, the forestry building and also the community garden outside the geography building. A lot of the time, I don’t even cry about my ex, but if you look like my ex — which you probably do — please don’t go there. Thank you!

Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!