Girlbossmopolitan: ASK-A-MAN: How do I change a light bulb?

Dear A Man,

As someone who is super hot and sexy, I find myself lacking real-world skills. Like yeah, I turn heads, have legs for days and make strangers fall in love with me with a bat of my eyelashes, but fuck! I have no clue how to change a light bulb.

– In the Dark

If there is one thing I know as a super fucking hot, ripped, alpha male, it’s the struggle of being super fucking hot and fuckable and ripped. It’s one struggle being so hot, but being a dumb loser who can’t change a light bulb? I could never. I sympathize with you as much as a man can: not at all. I’m working on it. My new year’s resolution is to get more in touch with my emotions. It’s not going well.

Well, enough of this emotional beta talk. Being a man comes with its advantages, like making bank compared to women (dolla, dolla bills, y’all), exceptional real-world skills (not having to prove that I’m competent in the workplace) and the ability to crack open a cold one with the boys. Oh, and hunting. And alpha pheromones.

I recommend calling a hot and sexy man (my number is 604-HOT-MANS). I’ll come over, change your light bulb and turn it on to check if it works. Maybe I’ll turn something else on, too.

But since I’m a feminist (I wear chipped black nail polish), I believe that all people can change a light bulb, even if females — I mean, some people — are just evolutionarily disadvantaged. So, if you don’t know a super sexy dude to come help you or if I’m busy fucking bitches and getting money, you don’t need to be a damsel in distress (#feminismIRL). Instead, you can change a light bulb in just three easy steps:

  1. Turn off the light and screw the bulb out of its socket.
  2. Put that bulb in the trash.
  3. Screw me — I mean, a new light bulb in.

It’s as easy as one-two-three! And hey, you should come over for a brewski later on Saturday. By changing that bulb, you just proved that you’re one of the boys. `

Need advice on how to appeal to the male gaze? I’m a man. I can help you. Text questions to (604) HOT-MANS or match with me on Swinder (7s and above only).

Girlbossmopolitan is The Ubyssey's annual spoof issue. While nothing in here is factual, it is all slaytastic. To read more Girlbossmopolitan, click here!