Friday, November 28, 2014
Last updated: 17 hours ago

Warnes: Broad-based admissions should measure chillness, quality of handshake

Indiana Joel/The Ubyssey

UBC is extending its broad-based admissions policy beyond Arts and Commerce to every faculty at UBC. This is great because UBC will start accepting people who aren’t just good at school but good at LIFE.

I may be biased, though.

The only reason I was even admitted to Arts (despite my dismal average) was because of my nine-year stint as a competitive ice sculptor, after which I donated all my winnings to villages in Africa, where there is barely any ice at all except for blood diamonds.

Can we take this to its logical conclusion, though? It is excellent that UBC will soon be filled with students who play classical stringed instruments and spend their weekends hand-spooning gruel into the mouths of disadvantaged community members. But if we’re stretching our scope beyond academics, we might as well go all out and really try for the best.

“Shoot for the moon, and even if you land in the gutter, you will be looking at the stars.” —Oscar Wilde

Here are some categories that I think need to be included on UBC applications.

—Chillness. How chill is the applicant? Does s/he know how to “hang”? Are they decent at Mario Kart? If you go over to their place, will they make nachos? Dry nachos, or cheesed? Is guacamole a possibility?

—Handshake. It doesn’t matter if you’re the most distinguished astro-mathematician (or whatever) in the world. If your paw goes cold-fish when you are introduced to international dignitaries, you might as well just burn that space math degree. Ideally applicants’ handshakes would be evaluated by firmness, pump-action, eye contact and dampitude.

—Haircut. If the applicant is unable to select a skilled stylist/barber and coordinate with them to obtain a cut that is both contemporary/edgy and complementary in regards to their head shape and facial structure, then do they really deserve to be going to university? Would the world not be better off if the applicant moved back in with their parents, got a low-ranking position at A&W (i.e. assistant lettuce shredder) and discarded all dreams of upward social mobility? Points deducted for visible roots.

—Justin Bieber irony level. Does the applicant like the Biebs ironically, post-ironically, or post-post-ironically? Proto-ironical Biebs love = verboten. Is the applicant “like totally over” Justin Bieber? No, they’re not. That is a lie.

—Pain tolerance. Testing apparatus: car battery, alligator clips, stop watch, loud radio.

—Raps. Applicant must rap along to Biz Markie’s 1989 laugh-hop hit “Just a Friend.” Points added or deducted for cadence, vocal timbre and comedic grimacing. Final grade determined by whether applicant really meant it.

Are these demands reasonable? You bet. Let’s make UBC the best school in the world! GO THUNDERHAWKS!