Hey Too Sexy,

I’m a fairly regular male who is interested in changing the colour/consistency/taste/odor of his genetic awesomesauce.

I’d like to know what I can do or consume which would make my offerings more or less runny, and maybe turn that off-white shade into something closer to fuchsia or teal. Are there various varieties of consumption for making my sauce more sweet or sour? And aside from storing up, what are my options for increasing—or even decreasing, quantity?

In a perfect world, I imagine myself shooting a half-cup of something that looks and tastes like the best parts of an ice-cream cake. Or maybe my chemical stew could sparkle in the sunlight, like in those popular vampire novels? I guess what I’d love would be for my signature move to be a real personal signifier; something that says in big clear, sticky letters, “I was here.”

From lime green goo, to something that looks like it came out of Spider-man’s web-shooters, what are my options for discharging dissimilarities?

—Seeking Techniques Regarding A Nervous Geyser Expulsing Curiously Unusual Manliness

Hey STRANGE CUM,

While there seems to be very little solid science on ways to change the characteristics of a man’s semen, there is a large body of myths and rumours on the subject. And while we may not be able to help you turn your man-goo green or sparkly, we can suggest some lifestyle choices that are said by many to spice up the overall ejaculation experience.

The seemingly most widely agreed-upon facts surrounding cum alteration have to do with the taste aspect, for reasons that should be fairly obvious. So we’ll start there and work our way onto the subject’s more nebulous ground.

Taste:
Diet seems to be the key to tastier cum. Experts—or people on the internet who do not resemble experts in any form—recommend fruits high in natural sugars such as strawberries, watermelon, pineapple, apples and mangoes for a sweeter taste. Also try veggies and herbs like celery, parsley and wheatgrass for their fresh-tasting chlorophyl content. The effects of fish and meat are contentious, with some sources describing the resultant ejaculate as unpleasantly heavy- or bitter-tasting, while others claim the flavour is “buttery.” Acidic fruits like lemons, blueberries and cranberries, and spices such as cardamom and cinnamon are also lauded as tasty options.

General consensus also claims that alcohol (in particular beer), coffee, cigarettes and red meat are all to be avoided. The alcoholic, insomniac, chain-smoking, ravenously carnivorous writers of this column can’t comment on the veracity of that statement, but we do know that cabbage, asparagus and anything else pungently high in sulphur should be avoided. Also, in our purely anecdotal, non-scientific experience, taking antibiotics such as penicillin will result in cum that makes your partner’s teeth feel slightly chalky and squeaky, like they’ve just eaten an underripe banana. No pun intended.

Colour:
As tempting as it is to envision ejaculating the rainbow, manipulation of the colour of one’s semen is purportedly difficult. In fact, drastic colour change tends to be a sign of trouble, whether it be a greenish tinge that may signal infection, or a light pink colour that may be caused by bleeding in the urinary tract. That said, although most semen is white, cum that is greyish or even yellowish semen can be normal. There is some evidence that B12 vitamins in semen are responsible for this yellowing, so increasing your intake could have interesting results. We’d also recommend trying carrots, which turn skin a light orange when eaten in abundance and may have similar effects on ejaculate.

Amount and consistency:
Vitamin E, D and A are all rumoured to increase volume, as are a variety of amino acids (the building blocks of proteins). Particularly beneficial acids are said to be found in foods such as wheat germ, pumpkin seeds, brown rice, raisins, chocolate and nuts. These often also have a thickening effect on cum, so if you are trying to thin out your sauce we’d recommend avoiding them and drinking lots of water.

Cum also changes consistency as time elapses after ejaculation, often coming out sort of clumpy and globular before relaxing into a smoother more fluid texture. Kasha thinks that’s bizarre enough already.

We also cannot neglect to mention pills such as Semenax and Volume Pills which are meant to increase volume of ejaculate. Volume Pills promise an “overflowing, overwhelming, outrageously big climax”, while Semenax claims to boosts volume by 500 per cent. These drugs are NOT FDA-approved, however, and we do not endorse them. We just think they’re funny.

Distinctiveness:
As far as a personal signifier goes, we think you might have to look elsewhere than your ejaculate’s freakish characteristics. A great sense of humour, rapier wit, confidence and mad bedroom skillz are all better ways to get a partner to remember you, particularly if the lights happen to be off when you ejaculate. You could also practice your aim; depending on your penile dexterity it might be possible to write “STRANGE CUM was here” as you shoot your load. As with anything we’ve covered today, science is really the only way to find out…so get out there and experiment, sexplorer!

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