Unrepentant Readership,

Too Sexy here with a two-pronged column intended not only to titillate, but also to expand your horizons. So lay back, open your mind and prepare for deep, penetrating insight as we answer both of this issue’s reader-submitted questions. Read on, sexplorers, and never look back.

Dear Too Sexy,

So I recently met this guy and I like him and he likes me. Ha! Take that, lonely high school years! I was really excited to take things beyond the friend level (and still am, I guess) but unfortunately after our first kiss…well, my interest has been on the wane.

Is French kissing always supposed to be like that? It felt a little invasive. How do I know if I’m just being weird? How do I know if he’s weird? I haven’t done much boy kissing (or any kissing really) before. Aren’t kisses supposed to feel nice? How do you get them that way?

Help me Too Sexy, kissing is scary.

—Kid’s Ignorance Stifles Smooching

Hello KISS,

Ah, how we long for the halcyon days of youth back when each set of lips was an unexplored horizon, each well-stuffed pair of jeans a new adventure. Your letter was a much needed breath of fresh air to a pair of jaded perverts who’ve begun to take the simple mysteries of life for granted. Kudos, you’ve moved us.

Let us begin by saying that French kissing shouldn’t feel invasive unless you and yours are in the mood for some invading. In the event that your Maginot line does need some crossing, we prefer the term “blitzkrieg” make outs in order to differentiate between the two. French kissing, on the other hand, doesn’t really call for the alien tongue to lick the back of your throat so much as caress, dance across and otherwise play with your teeth, tongue, gums and lips. Nibbles and sucking are also exciting options available to the kissing masses.

How do you know if you’re being weird? How do you know if he is? Well, we suppose you could stand before a jury of your peers, cross-examine each other, and then let the normal people pass sentence on you. But normal is lame anyways, you could always say “fuck it” and just concentrate on finding what works for you and the oral acrobat of your choice.

And thus, KISS, we come to the final query of your letter. Yes, kisses should be nice. You get them that way through practice and communication. If you don’t like what your partner is doing, try saying something like, “I like it when you (insert way you want to be kissing).” If the problem persists, go for the more direct, “Stop trying to get your tongue past my glottis.”

Remember that your partner wants you to enjoy the kiss as much as they do. If they don’t, you probably shouldn’t be kissing them anyway. Provide them the information they need to make it perfect and we’re certain they’ll do their best to accommodate them. Remember that variety is the spice of life and that less can definitely be more when it comes to having someone else’s tongue in you.

Hey Too Sexy,

Is it irrational for an atheist to value their virginity? Why or why not?

Thanks in advance,

—Value Appraisal Needed

Hey VAN,

Short answer: No, it’s not irrational.

Long answer: Virginity is a fairly nebulous concept. For example, have you lost your virginity if you’ve had oral sex? A hand job? What if you’ve masturbated? What if there was phallic penetration, but no orgasms on either side? Is the definition different for an LGBT person?

Essentially, the “loss” of virginity is the act which, for you, concludes your life as someone who doesn’t previously have a “sex life.” Even without a scornful god watching over you, it’s still perfectly rational to value that pre-sexual life. There’s no shortage of people out there who, given the choice, probably would have liked to have lost their virginities to someone more considerate, more permanent, or better endowed. That lack of experience signifies that you still have the choice as to how you want to begin the sexual chapter of your life. That being said, there’s also no shortage of people who had a great first experience and never looked back except to play pornography in their mind’s eye during masturbation. So value your virginity for what it is—an opportunity to make a good start.

Just don’t value it so highly that you never get to make that start at all.

That’s all for this week. Letters can be submitted to toosexy@ubyssey.ca, our anonymous webform at ubyssey.ca/ideas, or the Facebook honesty boxes of either Kasha Chang or Austin Holm. With so many eager receptacles waiting for your questions, it’d be cruel for you to hold out on us.

(No Ratings Yet)

 Loading ...