Hey Too Sexy,

I wrote you guys the other week with some questions about how to deal with implicit expectations in open relationships. I’d like to follow up with a question about conflicting implicit expectations between my different partners, and how to mediate or manage these.

I am currently faced with a dilemma: there is an upcoming event at which two of my casual partners will both be present. This will be the first time they’ve been in the same room together with me, and I don’t know what to do. It’s likely that they both have the same expectations of me—i.e., that we will hook up at some point during this event. I can’t decide who I would rather hook up with, but I know that no matter the outcome someone will be disappointed.

I have never wanted my promiscuity to hurt peoples feelings, and I do actually care about both individuals, but in this foreign environment I am entirely unsure whether or not I ought to remedy the situation, even absent a clearly defined obligation. Moreover, if it is the case that I should attempt to actively address this situation, how best could this be achieved? Should I approach one partner, or both? Perhaps suggest a ménage à trois? That’s totally way too ambitious…but you know what I mean. I’m faced with the competing interests of treating my partners fairly, and also just wanting to have a good time. Help me, Too Sexy!

—FRAUGHT (Part Two)

Hey again FRAUGHT, and thanks for the follow-up.

There really isn’t an easy way to deal with this situation. Your hand is being forced; this is one of the reasons it’s good for your different partners to meet or at least know about each other before a situation like this one necessitates it. It can be difficult for someone who is used to having your undivided attention have to deal with the abrupt introduction of another partner. Having to imminently deal with said other partner, socially, in person and with no warning whatsoever doesn’t help either.

That said, all is not lost. In answer to your first question: yes, you should attempt to address the situation. Talk to both partners and let them know what’s up. It doesn’t have to be a big deal. Otherwise, things are likely to be excruciatingly awkward, chilly, passive-aggressive… in short, no fun for anyone. So, since we assume that isn’t what you want, how should you address this?

Tell them exactly what is going on and your motivations for talking about it with them, except maybe leave out the part where you aren’t sure which of them you’d rather hook up with. Plan what you are going to say so the conversation doesn’t implode. We’d recommend saying something like:

“(Name here), I wanted to let you know that on (date here) at (event here), (other name here) who I am also seeing non-exclusively will be present. I wanted to let you know this because I don’t want this to be a source of awkwardness and surprise for you. I don’t want anything untoward to happen; I really care about you and value our relationship and your comfort, but I also like (name here) and value my relationship with her and her comfort. I’d like to hang out with both of you at some point or other during this event; I’m hoping we can all hang out together but understand if you find this too awkward. I just don’t want there to be conflict between the two of you and I wanted to make sure you were okay with and prepared for the situation. My foremost concern is for no one to get their feelings hurt.”

Ideally, this little speech leads to a productive discussion with either partner about how they would prefer the three of you interact, leading to some good conclusions that make everybody happy. Given that you’re relying on your partners to be totally cool with a tricky situation, however, it might also be good to have a contingency plan.

Unfortunately, FRAUGHT, there’s a chance things won’t turn out peachy-keen, at least not this time around. If there’s any indication that one or both of your partners are uncomfortable with the situation, we’d recommend erring on the side of caution and not hooking up with either partner, or anyone else. It’s a bit of drag, but if you really want to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings and want to hold on to both of these relationships, it’s probably the safest way to go.

On the other hand, there’s as much of a chance that things will go awesomely and your partners will get along really well. In which case, the neatest, most sensible solution (depending on your partners’ preferences, obviously) may be to suggest a ménage à trois. They aren’t as difficult to orchestrate as people usually think, and they sure are fun. Remember to dream big, tiger.

Once again, good luck and have fun!

Love y’all. Return the favour and write us at toosexy@ubyssey.ca Reciprocation, yo!

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