Hey there Too Sexy,

I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for a year now, and it has been great. We have a great sex life, we’ve met each other’s parents, we have mutual friends and we’ve even gone to Hawaii together. We’re really good together and everything is awesome…except it feels like something’s missing. We haven’t gotten to the “love” stage yet. We act like we’re in love, and I know I love her, but neither of us has said it yet. I’m afraid that I might scare my girlfriend and make her feel uncomfortable if I’m the first to confess my feelings. She’s never been in a long-term relationship before, and we’ve never really talked about love. It pains me to keep these feelings to myself, but I’m afraid that I might ruin the relationship if I say something. Please help.

—Voice Out In Desire

This is a slippery cocksocket, and make no mistake, there are a lot of complex questions at play here, some of which have mystified mere mortals for centuries. That said, we’ll try to unpack them for you. Here goes.

First of all, let’s ask a somewhat cliché question: What is love? (Fact: 80 per cent of you just said or thought “baby don’t hurt me, don’t hurt me, no more,” perhaps with head-bobbing).

See, VOID, we’re trying to figure out why exactly “something is missing” in your otherwise great relationship. What you’ve described sounds like love to us. And although we recognize that love is a demonstrative emotion that has inspired generations of fervent declarations, suicides, bad poems and couch jumps, we think there are a lot of less melodramatic ways to show love, many of which you describe in your letter.

In light of this, how much does the utterance of the phrase “I love you” really matter? Cynical but true: People can be moved to say those words for any number of reasons, and not necessarily always because of how they truly feel. In many ways, the demonstration of love through family ties, time spent together and mutually enjoyed pastimes is a much more accurate litmus test than just saying the words. Love isn’t just an arrangement of syllables, nor is it a discrete “stage” upon which the validation of your relationship depends. You’ve been together for a year, VOID. If your girlfriend doesn’t know you love her by now, telling her you do isn’t going to change anything.

So what’s missing? Considering the length of the relationship you’re in, we think it’s a bit odd that you seem so fearful of making what we feel is a fairly obvious statement. Relationships are all about intimacy, comfort and openness, VOID, and that means being able to communicate. If you’re afraid to tell your girlfriend you love her, how will you be able to deal with even more difficult issues when, say, you have a fight and need to work things out? We understand that talking about deep emotions can make you feel vulnerable and scared, but it’s an integral part of any effective relationship.

We also think it’s important to take a look at the reasons people in general are squeamish about saying or hearing “I love you” in a relationship. Although these reasons are interconnected, we think they can be broken down into a few different categories:

1. Too soon

Love takes time. Sometimes, though, the first flush of new relationship energy can lead people to make rash declarations of ardour to relatively new partners. This is awkward for both parties. Given that you and your partner have been together for a year, VOID, this doesn’t apply to you. For other readers who are so amorous they worry about prematurely spilling the beans, we recommend thinking about baseball to cool off.

2. Pressure!

There’s a fair amount of pressure associated with telling someone that you love them. They may feel obligated to say it back, and love and obligation are never a good mix. This expectation of reciprocity also forces a partner unsure about his or her emotional state to define it, potentially prematurely. This is also awkward, and may apply to your situation, but likely doesn’t.

3. Commitment phobia

The state of being “in love” has a ton of baggage associated with it culturally. We don’t think it should, but the fact is the vast majority of people are less free-lovin’. Thus, the expectations attached to love can be daunting, and can involve things like feeling compelled to meet your partner’s family, spending inordinate amounts of time together, having sex and recognizing the relationship as committed. We also don’t think this applies to you, VOID. You’ve met each other’s families and have done fairly intense coupledom things, such as that vacation you mentioned.

So there you have it. Tell your girlfriend you love her, VOID. It’s likely unnecessary and we very much doubt it will affect your relationship either positively or negatively. But since you say it’s important to you to have those three little words pass your trembling lips, go right ahead and say it. Shout it from the mountaintops. Yell it at the ocean. Throw caution to the winds and say it to your girlfriend (use your inside voice). It’s scary, but communication is really important. Good luck.

That’s all for this week, sexplorers. Remember that you can e-mail your questions to toosexy@ubyssey.ca or use our anonymous web form at ubyssey.ca/ideas. Hope to hear from you soon!

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