Technosavvy Readership,

Too Sexy here with two items of big news for the sexy masses. First off, there’s a new feature on the Ubyssey website that lets you easily and quickly send in your Too Sexy letters. Go to ubyssey.ca/ideas/ and click on the link to the submission form. As always, it’s totally anonymous. No e-mail address or other information is required. The second piece of news will come as a relief to those of you suffering from a cruel addiction to the twin devils of Facecrack and print media: Too Sexy is now on Facebook. Our group name is, in the spirit of creativity and originality, “I Read Too Sexy.” Members will be able to show whoever reads their profile that they are a savvy and sex positive individual, with good taste in casual reading.

Now that we’ve gotten the shameless plugs out of the way, let’s talk about shameful plugging:

I have a problem. I love anal sex, like love, love, love. I can’t get enough of it. I love pounding an asshole until the bottom splooges all over everything. There is an issue: My boyfriend is an awkward person and he is completely debilitated by awkward things that happen during sex. He has a particularly vocal anus. He often makes farting noises while he’s getting fucked. Worse, he always makes a farting noise while a cock is being pulled out of him when we’re done. He completely shuts down and will often stop from embarrassment part way through. What can I do to make him comfortable?

—ALIAS
 
Thanks for your letter, ALIAS. Unfortunately, some problems lack simple solutions. For example, if you started wearing ear plugs during sex or tried to get him to switch his diet to something less gassy, he’d probably get offended. And so, lacking recourse to a more direct solution, we must again endure the painful trials of talking about our feelings. We’re sorry. We wish there were another way.

In all seriousness, though, it seems like in this situation it’s important to establish why your boyfriend finds the normal sounds his anus makes so embarrassing. After all, the odd butt queef is not the end world and hardly the most awkward emission a person can make during sex. Ask any straight couple who’ve earned their red wings. So, ALIAS, the way we see it, the problem stems from one of the following: either he’s concerned about your reaction to his noisy backside, or he’s innately self-conscious about his body. You can directly address the first; the second is a little trickier.

If he’s concerned about your reaction, the least intrusive and possibly most effective course is probably to just not react. Since he’s so sensitive about the inevitable farty noises produced by vigorous anal sex, it’s probably a bad idea to even try to laugh it off or make light of it (which is the usual method of dealing with queefs and other awkward sex-related beasts). If he’s amenable, just keep on truckin’ as if nothing had happened. You say he shuts down: how often? Is it infrequent enough that ignoring the issue the rest of the time will get the message across? If it’s more serious than that, it’s probably time for phase two.

Phase two is talk, ALIAS. Reassure your bottom that you see no reason for him to be mortified, that you don’t mind the noise in the slightest, that it’s totally normal. He may cringe as you bring it up just because that means you’ve noticed, but we think that the benefits of getting that elephant out of the room outweigh the risks in this case. If he doesn’t come ‘round once he knows that you don’t mind the wind, then his discomfort is probably based on his own body insecurities and is thus more deep-seated. In this case, there may not be as much you can do, but you can try the following:

Explain to him that sex is fundamentally intimate and ridiculous. The basis of any sexual relationship is sufficient trust to let all parties involved get over their insecurities and have a good time. Everyone is insecure about their body and its functions to some extent, but we tend to let sexual partners past our body-shy barriers out of necessity and because it’s liberating. Does your boyfriend blow his nose in front of you? Pee with the bathroom door open when you’re over? Walk around naked where you can see him? Sleep beside you, with all the attendant drool and snoring sleep may bring? If so, you’re already intimate enough that the occasional queef shouldn’t matter.

At the end of the day, you’re putting something into an aperture designed to push things out. There’s going to be mess. And if air gets pushed in along with the inserted object, it’s going to make some sort of noise. That’s life, that’s sex, and it’s nothing to get embarrassed about.

Well, that’s all for this week, readers. Don’t forget to check out our Facebook group and the new website submission form. Send us a letter and find sex and relationship solutions to questions that are Too Sexy to ask anywhere else.

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