Favoured Readership,

These last few days have been a bit of a drip as far as we’re concerned and, frankly, we here at Too Sexy have been left feeling cold and damp. Thankfully, indoor entertainment has its perks, especially when you’ve got a friend to play with. For those of you on your lonesome, or for those of you temporarily holed up in a public hall or classroom, we offer this humble column to keep your mind off the shitty weather outside.

My boifrend really wants to do anal but im scared it might make me crap myself. plus i herd it hurts. what do i do?
­—­Anonymous

Well, semi-literate and acronym-less reader, the answer you seek is a simple one: don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with. Your boyfriend may “really want” to try anal sex, but we can’t all have our druthers all the time. While he absolutely has the right to let you know about his browntown curiosity, you absolutely have the right to be icked out and proclaim your anus a no-go zone. And obviously, any coercive attempts on his part to make you feel guilty for doing so would be a violation of his role as a (hopefully) caring partner.

Moreover, if he were to pressure you into trying it and you’re as afraid as you say, your sphincter muscles would tense up from the anxiety and the experience would be no good for either of you. That being said, we feel obligated, as sex columnists, to both allay your anal sex fears and make a pitch for open-minded (and open-sphinctered) exploration.

So let’s talk about your fears. You seem to be afraid that anal sex might make you lose control of your bowels and shower the bed in a coprophiliac’s wet dream. However terrifying this prospect may be, you need not worry—it won’t happen. Your anal sphincter is a ring of muscles whose basal relaxation state is contracted, rather than all loose and wiggly-like your other muscles. And since there are muscles back there, rather than simply a hole in your skin, your anus can’t be stretched out permanently or even on a longer-term basis. Some mild dilation directly following the act itself is normal, but does not last more than a minute or so. After that, the musculature around the anus ensures that it returns to its former closed state, unless something drastic (and highly unlikely) such as tearing has occurred.

Which brings us to…

The pain issue. We regret to inform you that having foreign objects rammed up your backside can indeed be quite painful, especially for the newcomer. Fortunately, there are a number of things you can do to prevent this unpleasant situation. The first, unlikely as it may sound, it to just relax. This is why lack of pressure and willingness on the part of the ass in question are important for enjoyable anal sex. If your sphincter is relaxed, the muscles there will not offer uncomfortable resistance to the inserted object. By the same token, the partner doing the inserting should go slowly, avoid making sudden
movements, and work the penis (or other object) into the orifice a little at a time. This will prevent any untoward effects like abrasions and microtears.

Friction is also an issue here, but thankfully modern scientists have thwarted this harm by inventing a wonderful substance known as lubricant, which some people colloquially call “lube.” Lube reduces friction, making things (like, say, penises) slippery, so that they don’t cause wear and tear. With the help of this slippery solution, you may find anal sex as easy as traditional sex. Indeed, some women prefer anal sex to its vaginal kindred and it’s generally accepted as the preferred penetrative method of homosexual men as well. Why, once you get used to it, it’s as simple as a walk in the park. A deeply intrusive, kinky walk in the park.

So that’s why anal sex is nothing to be afraid of, readership. Furthermore, we’d like to note that just about any sex life can be spiced up with the inclusion of something different, new and taboo.

Anyway, that’s all for this week. Send your letters to toosexy@ubyssey.ca. It’s anonymous and, if you use a spell checker, we promise to be nice to you.

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