Dear Too Sexy,


My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year and we have a really great emotional connection. We spend hours talking about our future plans and our love (we started talking about love about six months ago). I am really happy with our relationship with the exception of our sex life.

When I first brought up the subject of having sex (two months into the relationship) we were in bed and had been making out (naked) as we had been doing for several weeks (almost every night). He stopped kissing me, wrapped himself up in the blanket and pretended to be asleep. It was obvious that he was just really upset by the idea of having sex with me, and the next morning he was extremely affectionate and acted as if nothing had happened.

If I ever try to bring up the subject in the bedroom, the same thing happens again (after four repeat instances I have stopped trying that particular approach) and if I try to confront him about it in any other setting he claims to be upset about something unrelated to our relationship and, thus, unable to talk about it at that time.

My sister thinks he might be gay, but he definitely gets aroused when we are making out and we have done EVERYTHING except penetrative sex. Does his penis hate my vagina and he is afraid to tell me?

—Now Obtaining Truth About Insolent Lover

We at Too Sexy hate to inform you, NOTAIL, that this is a problem without an easy solution. Almost all relationship problems can, at the very least, be helped greatly by open and honest communication. Unfortunately, and for obvious reasons, the breakdown of communication is not among these problems.

We do, however, have some good news for you: Your insolent lover’s insolent penis probably does not hate your vagina. In fact, penises and vaginas are practically evolved for the specific purpose of being friends. If making out gets his little ayatollah ready to rock ‘n’ rolla, that seems to be a pretty clear sign that he isn’t gay (either that or he’s thinking about David Hasselhoff while you guys are making out), so we’re inclined to believe that although the body is willing, the spirit is spongy and bruised.

How much do you know about your boy’s sexual history? A lot of people have a (perhaps unfortunately) large amount of their self-esteem invested in their sexuality, and a few bad or even outright traumatic sexual experiences when you’re starting out can really steal your mojo. We’re willing to bet that the issue here lays in your lad’s lack of confidence. So, how can you help?

If your fella is simply inexperienced, then solutions can be quite simple. Letting him know you don’t expect him to be John Holmes is a good start, as is rephrasing the conversation. If he’s worried about your expectations, try to present sex in terms of his needs. Even simple changes, such as going from “I want to” to “you can” can make big differences.

Unfortunately, sometimes these scars run a little deeper than that. You’ve been together with this guy for a year. You’ve been talking about how much you love each other for half that time. Try to sit him down and, in a way that doesn’t place blame on him, ask him why he feels uncomfortable. Don’t settle for deflections, and remember, being in love means being open.

If that doesn’t work, we’re sad to say it, but you’ve got a choice to make. If you love this guy and “EVERYTHING except penetrative sex” is enough for you, then rock on. We hope you crazy kids make it work. There’s a whole lot of ways out there for two people to entertain themselves with romance explosions, and a surprisingly few number of them demand penetrative sex.

However, if your want for wang and, more importantly, his inability to communicate are preventing you from living the life you want, then you’ve got to move on, girl. Remember that being in a relationship is supposed to be about communication, trust and solving your problems as a team. We don’t call them partners for nothing. If he can’t ask for help after a year and a letter from Too Sexy, then it’s time for you to take care of yourself.

As for any nervous young men out there who might be reading this, don’t worry. The only thing to fear is fear itself.

Anyways, that’s all folks. Send your debauched dilemmas to toosexy@ubyssey.ca. As always, letters are completely confidential.

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