Inebriated Readership,

Too Sexy here with yet another scandalously sexy column for your enjoyment. We hope y’all spent Thanksgiving getting pleasantly stuffed in whatever manner floats your boat. If your tryptophan-inspired delirium hasn’t worn off yet, we commend you. For those of you wishing to recapture the rapturous highs of turkey meat, we have a special treat. This week’s Too Sexy contains not one, not two, but three of our ‘favourite’ letters. So prepare for triple penetration, because this week we’re going deep.

Hello dear
My name is mis naomi babylove and i am a  young girl with faithful, loving, tender and very caring. I am seriously looking for relationship leading to any thing. I saw your profile today at (fantasti.cc) and become Interested  In you , i think we can write together.Please i will like you to contact me through this my email address below so that i can give you my picture for you to know whom l am.Here is my e-mail address *REDACTED*@yahoo.com.I believe we can move from here.I am waiting for your mail to my email address above.(Remeber the distance or colour does not matter but love matters alot in life)


—Please rpely me with my e-mail address here
*REDACTED*@yahoo.com
Yours New Friend
Mis naomy
Thanks.

Hi Mis Naomy (Naomi?) Babylove.Wow! We are just so pleased to hear from you. To tell you the truth, we didn’t even know we had a profile at fantasti.cc, but since visiting the website and seeing a video of a woman with a cucumber and a baseball bat inserted into her, we’re considering membership. Unfortunately, Mis Namomee, you describe yourself as loving, caring, tender and faithful. We’re none of these things. Sorry Babylove, but you’re just too good for us, so we’re not going to respond to your e-mail. Also, we’re pretty sure you’re a robot designed for spamming. No offence.

What I’d like to know is why our campus is so unsexy. Oh sure, there’s good-looking people here, but that doesn’t stop all of them from being some of the most repulsive dregs of the gene pool I’ve had the misfortune of meeting. At first I thought this might just be the people I was sleeping with. So I conducted an experiment, I started analyzing the people I wasn’t sleeping with as well as those I had slept with, like Jane Goodall except the gorillas seemed the more inviting option when compared to the students. First I listened more closely to my friends, and compared them to the people I’d chosen to distance myself from due to severe social disorders such as TFDSS (Two-Faced Dick Slime Syndrome). My findings were astonishing, it seemed even my friends had been affected.

I’d been duped into socializing with these sorry excuses for people. It seems if you objectively look at anyone on campus there is some debilitating flaw that makes them utterly unfuckable. The final phase was to explore options outside of campus…

Vancouver has some lovely people in it. Sadly none of them are attending UBC. While my problem may be solved for all practical purposes (sleeping with people who aren’t part of this incestuous little community nestled in the forest is a simple and fulfilling solution), I’d still like to know why everyone at school here, including me for writing this slanderous letter, makes my sex life want to crawl into a hole and die.


—Answer Seeking Student Happy Outside Loveless Educatorium

Listen ASSHOLE, Plenty of UBC students are fuckable. We know; we’ve fucked them. It occurs to us you may be suffering from the DOUCHE (the Dickheads Overtly Underestimating Comrades Here Epidemic). People tend to get what they expect from social interactions. Go in with an open mind and you may leave with opened orifices.

For those of you also apprehensive about making love to the vast swirling cesspool that is UBC, make sure you get your seasonal love injections pronto—only these will save you from the DOUCHE.

As Thanksgiving approaches, my boyfriend has been acting festive by stuffing my vagina with stale bread, cranberries and spices, calling me his ‘Turkey Girl’ and squeezing me firmly on the breasts. He wants me to role play ‘meat thermometer’ by letting him have anal sex with me while I am full of stuffing. I don’t have any big issues with anal, but I don’t know if I’m ready. Any advice?


—Girl Outdone By Boy’s Lively Exploits

Hey GOBBLE, For the last fucking time people, keep food out of your vaginas. Keep it out of penises. Keep it out of your assholes. Advice? Don’t date men who want you to role play as dead poultry. As for anal sex—relax, lube up and remember that you’ll be the first one to know when you’re ready. In the slightly-altered words of deceased journalistic genius Hunter S Thompson, “Jesus man! You don’t look for [anal sex]! [Anal sex] finds you when IT thinks you’re ready!”

That’s it today. Send your sloppy sex queries to toosexy@ubyssey.ca.

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