Dear Too Sexy,

I have a slightly shameful confession: I want to sleep with a hipster chick. Maybe it’s the flannel or the slightly anorexic bodies, I don’t know. But I’m fine with all that. I realized that I had a bigger problem on my hands. You see, back when my hipster infatuation began I went to a hipster bar and discovered that the male/female ratio was 3:1. I think this carries over to the general hipster population and has dire consequences for their personalities. Competition for scarce resources makes the dudes super douchey. And then the chicks get their egos artificially boosted by all the attention and become super bitchy.

This creates my problem: I can’t fucking stand hipsters. Every time I see one I get this urge to beat it unconscious with my Irony Stick, force it into normal clothing, and hose it down with Axe. And the worst thing is they travel in packs, so even if I could tolerate one chick long enough to convince her to sleep with me there’s no way I could handle a flock of throbbing, pretentious, ironic dicks. I was tempted to post a Craigslist ad, but I realized that the authentic hipster will not self-identify as such, so I would just end up with a hipster-poser, which is not good at all. I could also get a chick to role-play as a hipster, but that’s no good either. Seriously. I am at my wit’s end. Help?
—Sad & Hipsterless

This is quite the tricky dilemma you’ve got on your hands, but never fear, we think we can help. First of all, although you may feel it’s an occasion for shame, if you can stand to think about it we’d really encourage you to examine what draws you to women of the hipster persuasion. Is it the off-kilter haircuts or odd modes of dress? Or maybe the constant self-analysis or the too-obscure-for-you musical tastes? Or perhaps you’re just a skinny-jeans kind of guy/girl?

If you can isolate the factors that make hipsterkind attractive to you, it may be possible to find and sexually pursue persons on the fringes of hipster society—ones who have the qualities that turn you on, but none of the ones you despise. You could satisfy your hunger for a hipster based on criteria that suits your needs, without the annoyance. After all, hipster authenticity is in the eye of the beholder, and if she’s got the characteristics that light your fire, does it really matter whether or not she’s bona fide? Besides, it’s nice to like the people you’re sleeping with. If you’re into that sort of thing.

If nothing less than a card-carrying, irony-drenched, hollow-souled, elitist slip of a hipster will do, we recommend you invest in a solid ball gag, a good set of earplugs, or a vinyl record player with speakers powerful enough to drown out any human noise. Possibly all three.

As for the hunt itself: although it’s true that hipster men tend to outnumber their female counterparts, this fact can work immensely in your favour. Recall the moral of Paula Abdul’s magnum opus “Opposites Attract.” Assuming you’re not a hipster yourself (although, as you said, part of being a hipster is not being self-aware) you should offer a welcome break from the hordes of whiney men in tight pants with bad beards that besiege your pretentious princess. Let your unique, original personality shine through. Hipsters love that kind of crap.

Dealing with her hipster entourage may be problematic at first, but maintain a positive frame, don’t take any crap from men who steal clothes from their younger sisters, and remember: you decide what’s cool. If they try to judge your taste in music, don’t get sucked into a competition over who loves Bat for Lashes (but only their first album) more. That gives power to the hipster credo and makes you just another poorly-dressed puppy dog for hipster chicks to friend-zone. Maintain your independence from the subculture and don’t compromise your own personality or taste to please her, and you’ll stand out as a tower of self-confidence in a sea of conformity and self-doubt. There’s nothing sexier than that.

Anyway, that’s it for this week. We’re off to read Questionable Content, listen to Radiohead, and complain about hipsters. Send your sexy letters to toosexy@ubyssey.ca and we’ll get back to you as soon as we damn well feel like it.

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